THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 9-11, 2007

Amazon said my copy of I Am America (And So Can You!) was shipped out on the ninth. WHERE IS IT?!!

• Stephen Colbert interviews....Stephen Colbert?!!
• Dennis "Leprechaun" Kucinich has accepted Colbert's challenge! Plus to give back the change he stole from Stephen!
• The Brown-Haired Guy who is not Steve Doocy hair is really black.

I hoped all the Heroes watched Colbert on Larry King Thursday. Good interview.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 9-11, 2007

• Oh, Jon, you are so adorable trying to suck up to Dick Cheney before Mrs. Cheney comes on for an interview.
• The future Pam Anderson-Rick Solomon sex tape will be the best ever!
• Hey only 25 nations are helping the US with the war in Iraq. Wait now 24, that lady from Iceland left.
• I knew the Lynne Cheney interview was going to be awkward.
• Who doesn't love those crazy teasers before a news report?!

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 8, 2007

ONE MORE DAY!!: Until I Am America (And So Can You!) hits bookstores. Like a Colbert groupie, I pre-ordered mine on Amazon. They said it should be here at the end of the week or the beginning of the next. I can't wait!!!!!

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY: Only "Stephen Colbert" could call Columbus a freeloader who took away jobs from American discoverers. Maybe he said that because he had to work that day.

THE BOOK!!: How adorable was Stephen's Italian accent and that puppy Riley?! It was so cute when the little guy helped Stephen write his book!

THE WORD IS...MEDIUM MATTERS: Mike Huckabee, you are disappointing me. How could you support Rush Limbaugh's awful statements and condemn Media Matters.org? (the org stands for orgy)-copyright Wikiality.com

STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALLZ...FOR KIDS!: Those poor kids won't get any free healthcare! President Bush is meanie!

GEORGE SAUNDERS: I gotta start paying attention to interviews! I'm just too excited about the book! Move your ass! U.S. Mail!!!

HAPPY I AM AMERICA DAY!: Who didn't love the countdown to the availability of Stephen's book I Am America (And So Can You!). Now go out and buy it!!!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 8, 2007

TORTURE? WHO US? NAH!: Bushie was denying (again) that we don't torture suspects. We know your full of it, sir.

LARRY CRAIG: A few weeks ago, not R. Kelly performed a hilarious song about Sen. Craig's possible homosexuality. Unfortunately, he was unavailable (Wahhhh!!). So now we have a Dreamgirls reference (And I'm telling you...).

VINCENTE FOX: I was surprised Fox didn't need an interpreter. If you squint he sort of looks like a Mexican Peter Jennings. Why was he talking trash about my Brazilian friend Evo?! For shame, Mr. Fox!

SOUTH PARK: CARTMAN GETS TOURETTE'S!

The season premiere of South Park featured Cartman faking Tourette's Syndrome. In this recap, I will write some of the things he uttered. Now onto the show.


While out shopping with his mom-MEXICAN SHITTY BALLS!-, Cartman met a kid with Tourette's syndrome-AW, SHIT!-. When Cartman realizes that he can say anything and not get in trouble-TITTY SPRINKLES!-(complete with him singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory), he jumps on it.

Kyle immediately figures out that Cartman is faking, but the Tourette's Society-PISS IN THE ASS!-comes to Cartman's defense. Chris Haannnseennn discovers Cartman-DONKEY BONER!-and invites him to come onto Dateline and tells his story. Naturally, Cartman sees this as a perfect opportunity, but he begins to slip out some real truths. Now Cartman doesn't want to go on, but Hannnseeenn tells him he doesn't have a choice!

Meanwhile, Kyle and the AW SHIT! kid team up to expose Cartman. They set up so that pedophiles can come to the Dateline stage. When the offenders enter, they immediately commit suicide when they see Chris Hannnseeennn. In the shocking moment of the night, CARTMAN THANKS KYLE FOR SAVING HIM! Altogether-AW SHIT!!

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: SEPTEMBER

The Unsuspected-a neat, less-known film. Claude Rains (Louie from Casablanca) is a radio host who commits murder. His naive (okay, dumb) niece doesn't believe he could do such a thing, but he does.

Tokyo Story-a couple go to visit their grown children. The ungrateful bastards move them from one place to the other. I wanted to give my mom a hug after watching this one.

The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!-a Russian submarine becomes stranded in Nantucket. Hilarity ensues. Johnathon Winters plays the deputy sheriff. You know it's a comedy.

The Happy Years-a cute turn-of-the century tale about a reckless boy. Activities include painting the neighbor's horse green.

Anna Karenina-Tolstoy's masterpiece starring Garbo.

The Pumpkin Eater-Anne Bancroft gets pregnant. A lot. Lady has some issues.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 4, 2007

THE WORD IS...CATASTROPHE: As in North Korea's talks.



THREATDOWN!: Science & Technology edition

5. Remote Control Toys!-Children should not land planes.

4. Hybrid Cars!-I want to see that graphic (watch the segment)

3. Sloppy Scientists!-Oh my heavens! MONKEYPOX ON THE LAM!

2. White Chocolate-Stephen's pimp name.

1. Robots!



JOHN KAO: Dude, lose the bow tie.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 4, 2007

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!: Bushie vetoed a bill which would provide health care to poor kids and they would tax cigarette to pay for this! Thank God for street urchin John Oliver to demonstrate how ridiculous this is.

RESIDENT EXPERT JOHN HODGMAN: He talked about the American dollar which is now worthless. Loved the sound effects (shut up!).

JACK GOLDSMITH: Nope, didn't pay attention to it.

30 ROCK: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-OCT 4, 2007

It's time for a new season of 30 Rock. Everyone has returned from the summer hiatus. Poor Liz broke up with Floyd, Jack is recovering from a heart attack, Tracy separated from his wife, Jenna has gained a ton of weight (due to starring in the musical Mystic Pizza), and Kennneth the page is still Kenneth the page.

The season premiere was hyped because it was Jerry Seinfeld's return to NBC. Jack has decided to take footage of Seinfeld insert him into all of NBC's current shows-it's SeinfeldVision! Jerry finds out and is not happy. After several arguments, Jack and Jerry come to a deal: SeinfedVision will air for one night as long as they promote Seinfeld's film Bee Movie and have Al Roker dressed as a bumble bee (PLEASE DO THIS TODAY SHOW!).

On the other side, Liz is not doing so well. She is in complete denial about her breakup and actually buys a wedding dress, you know, just in case. Finally, Liz breaks down in front of Seinfeld. Miss Lemon has a long way to go.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 3, 3007

GAY ROUNDUP: A new segment which features a infamous scene from the film Red River (watch this!). Since Stephen was not an expert on homosexuality, he called Dan Savage to fill him in. Mostly the interview was about Senator Larry Craig. Is he or isn't he?

MONKEY ON THE LAM!!!: Oh, thank you so much for this segment again!

JIM LOVELL: Two words: freaking awesome!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 3, 2007

DARK LIQUID: Rob Riggle's new screenplay sounds a lot like the private militant group Blackwater. The company's new motto (in my dreams)-We kill people...for money!

CONSERVATIVE KIDS BOOKS?!: There is actually a book out there called How the Liberals Stole Christmas. John Oliver really nailed the conservative author and the liberal author. Seriously, why would anyone write this?!

TED KOPPEL: Who knew this guy was so funny?

PUSHING DAISIES: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

Dear God, this show was so hyped that it almost made me not want to watch it. But I did and was pleasantly surprised. I might not catch it every week, but maybe from time to time.

The premise goes a little something like this: one day, young Ned discovers he can bring the dead back to life, but there are some repercussions-if the formerly dead stay alive for more than one minute, someone has to die in their place and if they touch Ned again, bye-bye. Sadly, it was time for Ned's mom to die. He brings her back, only to have his best friend Charlotte's-aka Chuck-dad to kick the bucket. Later that night, Ned's mom kisses him good night and promptly dies. Chuck goes to live with her eccentric aunts and Ned is sent to boarding school (?).

Twenty years later, Ned is a pie maker and is also quite stand-offish. Ned also helps the local P.I. solve cases by bringing the victims back to life for a minute. The duo then split the rewards. Still with me? Chuck is having a bad time, though. She has been murdered. At the funeral parlor, Ned impulsively brings Chuck back to life. The funeral director takes her place. Now Ned can never touch his love again. How will they survive? And who (tried) to kill Chuck? Find out on Pushing Daisies this fall on ABC.

THE COLBERT REPORT:OCTOBER 2, 2007

THE WORD IS...TROOPS OUT NOW: Only one thing to say-who are you and what have you done with Stephen?!!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 2, 2007

There 's only one thing I want to talk about on tonight's show: Guest Chris Matthews got NAILED.

CARPOOLERS: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

I did better on this one. Six full minutes! Then switched over to The Colbert Report.

CAVEMEN: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

I watched Cavemen for five minutes, then I flipped it to The Daily Show.

THE UPN COMEDY BLOCK-3 SEASON PREMIERES AND 1 SERIES PREMIERE

Everbody Hates Chris, Aliens in America, Girlfriends, and The Game. Missed all of them.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 1, 2007

DENNIS KUCINICH: This man keeps everything in his pockets (used tea bags! UGH!) including Bin Laden. Now Mr. Kucinich has been challenged by Stephen to come on TCR and empty his pockets. Until then, he is ON NOTICE! Complete with On Notice pocket sized edition.

THE WORD IS...EVITABLE: As war with Iran. Also, Stephen, it isn't war with Iran that is Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream, it's his fondest wet dream.

CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.: Those graphics are a riot!

CHARLIE SAVAGE: Sorry, didn't watch the interview.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 1, 2007

POOR JON: His beloved Mets lost. I missed the game but I heard it was a disaster.

JOHN AND LARRY: Thank you, Thank you this duo is back! There was a GOP debate and hardly anyone showed up! The scene where they were playing football in the empty media room was hilarious!

YOU DON'T KNOW DICK: Now, Cheney is a supposed member of the Council for National Policy. Jerry Falwell may also have been a member, but he was a blabbermouth. OH MY GOD!

JACK CAFFERTY: I love this guy. He and Jon just clicked with their banter. I still can't find any bio on him. He said that his dad was about to get married to wife number 5, 6, or 7 but his fiancee SHOT HIM!

BROTHERS & SISTERS: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-SEPT 30, 2007

It's Kitty Walker's birthday again and the first anniversary of William Walker's death. Please let this year go smoothly! Not so fast!



NORA: She hasn't heard from Justin in three weeks and obviously is frantic. I can't say this enough, Sally Field is awesome!

KITTY: The media keeps asking her about the upcoming wedding instead of the campaign. Kitty has had enough and begs a distracted Nora to help her find a wedding dress. At the bridal shop, they get into a huge argument which is caught on camera and posted onto You Tube!

SARAH: She and Joe have been separated for four months. They have a quickie on the washer and Sarah cannot stop talking about it.

KEVIN: His new boyfriend is going on a mission trip to Malaysia.

TOMMY/JULIA: Poor girl has some serious post partum depression. Poor Tommy doesn't know what to do.

Sadly at Kitty's birthday celebration news that Justin's unit has been hit by an IED. Geez, what will happen next year at her party?! Mom dies?! Oh, please not that!!!

DESPARATE HOUSEWIVES: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 30, 2007

I AM SO BEHIND. My computer had to be repaired! Anyway DH ended their season with the suicide of Edie. Did she make it? Find out in a minute. I decided to break down each storyline by housewife.

LYNETTE: Poor girl was diagnosed with cancer in the season finale. It's a few months later and Lynette has opted not to tell anyone about her illness. She wears a wig since her hair fell out. Lynette made some sense on why she didn't tell anybody. No one with cancer wants to get that look when a friend/loved one finds out about the disease. They immediately become sorry for you and tread fine lines. All Lynette wants is normalcy. She finally gives up and tells everyone especially after the sad scene where she can't pick her own daughter up for a hug.

SUSAN: Susan believed she was starting menopause. Very funny scene with her new hunky doctor (also a new neighbor) proving to Susan that she was old. Turns out, Susan was just pregnant.

GABY: After she discovered her new hubby married her for political purposes, Gaby jumped into the arms of ex-husband Carlos who just broke up with Edie. They try to run off together, but are hampered by their significant others.

BREE: Bree is this close to being discovered about her faux pregnancy. She did have one point though, daughter Danielle is way too shallow to raise her baby.

THE MAYFARIS: The awesomeness that is Dana Delany plays Katherine, a former resident of Wisteria Lane who has moved back with her daughter Dylan and younger husband Adam-hunky gyno. Dylan and Susan's daughter Julie were best friends, but poor Dylan doesn't seem to remember living here. I smell a secret. Yep, I was right. What happened to Dylan's dad?

CRAP, I MISSED IT

To the fans of...

Ghost Whisperer
Moonlight
Numbers
Las Vegas
American Dad

I'm sorry.

ER: SEASON 14 PREMIERE-SEPT 27, 2007

This show has been on 14 years? Damn! Back to the show, when we last left ER, Neela was being trampled to death at an anti-war rally. At first, no one knows what happened to her or where she is.

The new ER chief, Dr. Kevin Moretti couldn't handle the mass trauma. He ordered Pratt and Morris not to treat patients because they had one sip of beer before the traumas came in. Not a good time to do this, Moretti! Fortunately, the duo tested their blood alcohol levels which came back normal.

Back to Neela, she was eventually transported to the ER with massive internal injuries. At first, she was conscious, but went into shock soon after. She needed immediate surgery. While they were operating, she bled out liters of blood (damn, that was a lot!), but they were able to save her.

The "bomb" wasn't a bomb at all. Some dude was playing with firecrackers. His negligence led to the death of a teenage girl. Also his death by the girl's despondent grandfather who choked the man to death.

I hope next week ER takes it a bit easy. I need a rest!

THE OFFICE: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 27, 2007

Let's get this out of the way: MICHAEL HIT CO-WORKER MEREDITH WITH HIS CAR! As it turns out, the accident might be a good thing because Meredith had been exposed to rabies-she had been bitten by a bat, rat, and raccoon. Damn! Michael organizes the really long name for a charity run I can't remember. Poor Pam has to answer the phone saying that line. Apparently, Andy has sensitive nipples and he tapes them for safety. Kevin runs in work clothes and Stanley, Oscar, and Creed go out to eat.

Meanwhile, Dwight euthanized Angela's beloved cat, Mr. Sprinkles. This does not bode well for their relationship.

Jim and Pam are together!! YEA!!

MY NAME IS EARL: SEASON 3 PREMIERE-SEPT 27, 2007

Poor Earl, last season he took the rap for ex-wife Joy, who was on her third strike. He was sentenced to two years in prison. Earl wants to keep a low profile, but finds it difficult. Some of the guys he wronged are in the slammer, too. Particularly, Glenn who has violated parole many times. Everyone is sick of him and his antics. Earl remembered when he got Glenn to break into someone's house and Glenn was punished for it. Glenn then turned to a life of crime. Time for The List to come out and play!

Earl discovers Glenn doesn't want to get out of prison because of the way everyone looks at him when he becomes a civilian. Glenn gets upset and breaks the law. Plus he blames Earl Hickey for his downfall. After a few scuffles (and stabbing), Glenn admits to Earl he wants to get his final two badges for his Honor Sash-Archeology and Natural Sciences. The duo make a few deals with other inmates and Glenn gets his badges. Now on the outside (with scout uniform), people aren't scared of Glenn anymore (though they may think he was a little weird with the uniform).

Meanwhile, to pay back Earl for his sacrifice, Joy takes care of Randy. Just watch those segments-hilarious!

P.S. The county of Camden created their own Boy Scout troop after being kicked out of the national one. Piece it together.

BIG SHOTS: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 27,2007

Male Sex and the City. I'll skip this one.

GREY'S ANATOMY: SEASON 4 PREMIERE-SEPT 27, 2007

Blah, blah, blah, Burke's gone, blah, blah, blah, Gizzie said "I love you", blah, blah, blah Mer-Der broke up and then had hot sex. blah, blah, blah.


THE END

UGLY BETTY: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-SEPT 27, 2007

I tried to watch this show, but couldn't get invested in it. So recapping the season finale, Amanda found out someone named Fey was her mom, Betty's future brother-in-law was shot in a convenience store robbery, and Betty and Henry(?) couldn't be together because he may have gotten his skanky girlfriend pregnant.

Season premiere: Amanda suspected the head of the company, Bradford, was her daddy. Betty mourned Henry. Sadly, Santos( future bro-in-law) did die in the robbery.

Sorry, I don't watch this show.

CSI: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 27, 2007

All you need to know: Sara lived.

WITHOUT A TRACE: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 27, 2007

Why is the show in Africa right now? I think I'll switch over to ER.

CSI: NEW YORK: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 26, 2007

They solved a case. The End.

CRIMINAL MINDS: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 26, 2007

Mandy Patankin may or may not kill himself. Tune in next week! WHAT?!

LIFE: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 26, 2007

Charlie Crews was wrongfully convicted for murder. Charlie in prison: 1995-2007. NBC's Life: 2007-2007.

BIONIC WOMAN: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 26, 2007

One of the most anticipated shows premiered Wednesday-a new take on the Bionic Woman. Jaime Sommers is a 24-year-old bartender who has recently discovered that she is pregnant by her boyfriend of five months. Okay, why did the writers throw a pregnancy in the pilot? Five minutes later the duo are in a car accident where Jaime's legs, arm, eye, and ear have to be replaced. Oh, and she has a miscarriage! Again, why?! That's when I changed the channel only to come back for the kick-ass fight between Jaime and Bionic Woman #1. Apparently, some people liked it, but not me.

DIRTY SEXY MONEY: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 26, 2007

I think I have found my new show, but let's get to the premise first.

Nick George didn't want to be anything like his father, Dutch. Dutch was attorney extraordinaire for the Darlings, one of the richest families in the world. Although, Nick did become a lawyer like dear old dad, he does work for the less fortunate (or less rich). All that changes when Dutch is killed in a plane crash. At the funeral, we meet the Darlings: patriarch Tripp (the awesomeness that is Donald Sutherland), mom Leticia, NY attorney general Patrick (who has to get Nick in to his own father's funeral!), Karen (Nick's first love), rocker Jeremy, bad actress Juliet, and dickhead Brian-who's a reverend!

A few days later, Tripp offers Nick five million(!) a year plus benefits to replace his dad as the Darlings' attorney. Nick turns down that offer and makes it 10 mil a year! Then Nick gets himself into quite a mess: Karen's pining for him, Brian has illegitimate child, Tripp paid to get Juliet into a play (she later tries to take her own life), and Patrick is dating a tranny. Another fun-filled day with the Darlings!

I love this show! The Darling family are hilarious!

PRIVATE PRACTICE: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 26, 2007

Dr. Addison Montgomery-Shepard-Montgomery moved to L.A. and she likes to walk around the house naked. Skip it.

THE COLBERT REPORT: SEPTEMBER 27, 2007

KING TUT: was not black, he was gold.

DAMN, NAILED!: At a recent debate, Tim Russert asked Hilary what she thought of an unknowns comment about how to handle torture. She disagreed with what this person said, and then Russert dropped the bomb-the statement was made by Bill Clinton! After regaining her composure, Hilary said she would discuss the matter at home. I think Clintons talk about torture as foreplay. What else would turn them on to each other.

THE WORD IS...EARLY IMMUNIZATION: why can't anyone give free health care to children!

WHO WEARING...STEPHEN'S WRISTRONG BRACELET?!: Why Neil Cavuto, Adrian Grenier (aka Vincent Chase-he's Aquaman!), Seth Rogen, and Bill Clinton touched it!

DAVID SCHWARTZ: I finally got to see the infamous "Daisy" ad. I don't know what to think of it. Plus, Adalai Stevenson had his own Obama girl.

THE DAILY SHOW: SEPTEMBER 27, 2007

"CHILDRENS DO LEARN:" Bushie strikes again!

CONGRESS AND HIP-HOP: Dear Congress, please do not ever talk like that again.

LARRY WILMORE AT SYLVIA'S: "Papa Bear" O'Reilly recently dined at Sylvia's restaurant where he discovered that this African-American restaurant is just like all the other restaurants. SHOCKER! Wilmore totally nailed him and got a good meal out of it.

KEN BURNS: Man, I am depressed after this interview. Anyway, keep up the good work, Ken!

THE COLBERT REPORT: SEPTEMBER 26, 2007

YOU OWE US!: The Canadian loonie is worth more than the U.S. dollar, or oot performing. Well, we will just sue Canada for copyright infringement. That adds up to $905 billion dollars (pay us in Canadian, please).



THE WORD IS...A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS: NBC has opted not to renew their contract with ITunes. Instead they will release NBC Direct, a free downloading service. Just pray to God your computer doesn't time itself out. Like when I was trying to post this.

UNITY '08 WITH SAM WATERSTON!: I'm sorry, but the guy kicks ass! The volcano experiment was hilarious! Poor Kansas!

BENNNNETTTTT!!!!!!!!: The man, the myth, the legendary Emmy-stealer. He paints too? Can I have that Cary Grant? Oh, what a beautiful duet!

THE DAILY SHOW: SEPTEMBER 26, 2007

FLAT: As in the elaborate Morales (my Brazilian friend!) joke. It took to long.

BACK IN BLACK: There is nothing as disgusting as people who pretend to be veterans for free health care.

JAMIE FOXX: Not much to say here, but the two played nicely off each other.

LAW AND ORDER SVU: SEASON 9 PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

Former Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon guest starred on the SVU season premiere. The fallout from Fin''s nephew's trial continued as Benson was suspended and Cragen was temporarily reassigned. Who should step in as the head of SVU? Why Munch, of course. Wait, hold on a second, Munch, really? Even he was hesitant to step up.

Anyway, back to the Nixon, she played a woman with multiple personalities who may have harmed her child. I completely bought into her five distinct people-an angry Russian, a guy, a little girl, a psychiatrist, and a cocky young woman. So color me disappointed when-SPOILER ALERT-it was all an act to kill her abusive parents along with little sis. Why did they have to go this route!

BTW, Cragen was reinstated after that small debacle.

REAPER: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

Another miss, but the idea of the devil's bounty hunter and his sidekick does sound interesting.

HOUSE: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

House tries to solve a case by himself. Result: mistaken identity and the search for a new team.

BOSTON LEGAL: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

Murphy Brown got sued. The End.

BONES: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

Missed this one too. Supposedly, there is going to be a serial killer/cannibal this season. Now, continue enjoying your dinner.

CANE: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

There are too many premieres tonight!!! A few shows must suffer. I'm only one person plus I missed Damages! ACK! For 52, Jimmy Smits is muy caliente. Check out what Stephen Colbert had to say about Smits on his show.

THE UNIT: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

Umm...another two parter? Whoops!

NCIS: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 25, 2007

I missed the season premiere. Oh, well it's a two-parter. Hey, isn't that Armand Assante!

THE COLBERT REPORT: SEPTEMBER 25, 2007

NUCLEAR JIMMY SMITS: Watching Stephen crack up about Smits was worth its weight in gold.

RUDY IN ENGLAND!: Giuliani is one of the five best known people in America. Others include the Taser Guy, LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! gent (I think), Hilarious Goalie, The G, and Dog on Skateboard.

TIP OF THE HAT/WAG OF THE FINGER: Weird, an all "tip o' the hat" edition, but thank you for Stephen's new entry in the Formula 400 series: Fjormula 401 for those of Swedish descent. Comes with his manseed and peroxide.

JOHN GRISHAM: It looked like he was getting a little ticked at Stephen for complaining his new book, Playing for Pizza, didn't feature any lawyers.

THE DAILY SHOW: SEPTEMBER 25, 2007

HILARY LAUGHS!: And boy was it creepy!

EVO MORALES: My new best friend! See, if we try hard enough, we can have an honest and fair leader who gets things done. Also shout out to the wonderful translator!

THE COLBERT REPORT: SEPTEMBER 24, 2007

I can't believe I'm going to say this: Who cares about the rest of the show! Atone Phone (Press 2 for 1-800-OOPS-JEW Press 1 for 1-800-MOPS-KEY) messages!

THE DAILY SHOW: SEPTEMBER 24, 2007

"AhmadineMinute: I did not mean to have a link. The president of Iran (I won't bother spelling his name) spoke at Columbia University Monday. Oh, boy did he deliver. Denying the Holocaust and gays in Iran!

CLUSTERF&*K TO THE WHITE HOUSE: All you need to know: "Okay shoot you later, 9/11!"

BUCK HENRY: My God, he right. He does look better before he had kids. Trust me, find the video.

JOHN BOWE: Whoops, missed it.

JOURNEYMAN: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

Premise: Some dude can travel through time. Along the way he sees his dead fiancee and is tempted to rekindle their romance much to chagrin of present-day wife. Awkward!

HEROES: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

When we last left our Heroes, Hiro wound up in 17th century Japan, Matt was shot, Sylar was dead, and Nathan helped little bro Peter from blowing up the world. Now four months later, Matt recovered, divorced, and living in NYC with Mondihar and the duo are playing "My Two Dads" with little orphan Molly. Nathan is bearded and who knows where. Hiro is having hilarious adventures in Japan. Peter turned up in Ireland with amnesia and a haircut that makes him look smoking hot! Oh my God, someone killed Sulu, I mean Hiro's dad!

CHUCK: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

That damn NBC said the Chuck pilot was online, but all I got was a 2 minute recap!

CSI: MIAMI: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

Horatio has a son. Big whoop.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

A couple talks about snoring. Must change channel before I start snoring...awww, crap! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

TWO AND A HALF MEN: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

The half man-who's name is Jake-started middle school. Also the guy affectionately known as "Duckie" gets beat up by a motorist. Only saw the last five minutes.

THE BIG BANG THEORY: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

Two nerds go to a sperm bank. Buh-bye.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER: SEASON 3 PREMIERE-SEPT 24, 2007

Last season on HIMYM (got it!), Ted and Robin broke up. Now Ted goes through his post-breakup phase: growing a beard, repainting the apartment, something else, and ignoring Barney's attempts to make him get back in the game. "I'm not ready" he says, until Robin arrives from Argentina with Gael (not pronounced Kyle or girl) who looks a lot like Enrique Iglesias. NOW Ted is ready. After a disastrous date with Amy (Mandy Moore)-complete with a butterfly tattoo, Ted confronts Robin about "winning" the breakup. Not to worry though, because Ted's "bigger."

The two much hyped guest stars did okay. I didn't buy Mandy Moore as a bad girl. Dressing like one will only get you so far. Enrique Iglesias fared better. All he had to do was to stand there and look hot. Which he did excellently! Now take your shirt off in the next episode!

Oh, and the Slap Bet Countdown has begun. Watch out, Swarley!

SHARK: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-SEPT 23, 2007

The season premiere of Shark taught the audience a valuable lesson: DON'T SCREW WITH THE RUSSIAN MAFIA. They will kill you then bring you back to life so they can kill you again. Or just cut your head off and place it in the middle of a park.

COLD CASE: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 23, 2007

I watched part of the episode and what the hell is up with the main character's hair! Good God!!

FAMILY GUY: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 23, 2007

After all the hype, Family Guy's tribute to Star Wars finally premiered. First, I need to make a confession-I haven't seen Star Wars. Or The Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi or The Phantom Menace (according to fans, I dodged a bullet). It was an odd show; the characters were not called by their actual names (on the series), but by their Star Wars names:

Peter-Han Solo
Lois-Princess Leia
Chris-Luke Skywalker
Obi Wan-Grandpa?
Stewie-Darth Vader
Brian-Chewbacca
Cleveland-R2D2
Quagmire-C3PO
Meg-Snake? (Poor Meg always gets the shaft)

Most of the episode was Meh, because I already saw the Robot Chicken special three months ago. It was better

KING OF THE HILL: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 23, 2007

I haven't seen a single episode so why start now? Okay I did watch the opening credits.

THE SIMPSONS: SEASON 19 PREMIERE-SEPT 23, 2007

Can you believe this show has been on for 19 years?! I remember when the first episode premiered on my 7th birthday. All right enough reminiscing on to the show

Great opening with the reconstruction of Springfield which was destroyed in The Simpsons Movie. Including the (final?) appearance of Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig. Homer saved the life of Mr. Burns after the latter nearly drowned in a mall fountain. As a reward, Homer was invited to have dinner with his boss in his corporate jet. Homer loves the experience so much he tries to find a job which would have access to the lifestyle. Seeing her husband so depressed, Marge hires a life coach (Stephen Colbert!) to help Homer land his dream job. Alas, he fails, but doesn't tell his family. It ends with a wacky ending of Homer landing a plane.

Overall, not a bad episode. People keep complaining how The Simpsons has lacked its earlier quality and heart, but I think what do you expect after 19 years? At least it's still somewhat funny. That's okay in my book.

GOSSIP GIRL: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT 19, 2007

I tried to watch Gossip Girl, but the timing didn't work out. However the folks on Best Week Ever told me all I ever need to know about the show: one-dimensional character Chuck. Attempted date raping is his hobby-twice in the pilot! So, thank you BWE because I'll never have to watch this show again!

THE COLBERT REPORT: SEPTEMBER 20, 2007

LAST CHANCE: To atone your sins! I don't have to call since I'm Catholic, but a rabbi did because he had been stealing some of Stephen's material for his sermons. I don't know if it's in the law books, but that may be treason.

SIR DWD: This young man wrote on his blog that Stephen didn't realize that people at the University of Florida were protesting the tasering of the Brah!! guy, but were TOLD by the police to knock it off, so they did.

THE WORD IS...MARKET FORCES: Oh, Blackwater. You crazy kids shooting civilians in Iraq!

THREATDOWN!: 5. Salad!
4. Slavic Sex!-oh, Stephen don't tease me with your Barry Whiter DVD!
3. El Chupacabra!
2. The Bingham Company!-They think bears comfort babies! WRONG!
1. US-WHAT?!!

JEFF TOOBIN: I already saw Toobin promote "The Nine" on TDS last month. Although the fact that Scalia used to carry a rifle on the subway is quite a shock to discover. Why is this man on the Supreme Court?

THE CRAZIEST FU#%ING THING I'VE EVER HEARD: Mayonnaise Margarita??!! BLECH!!

THE DAILY SHOW : SEPTEMBER 20, 2007

MANDELA'S DEAD??!!!!!: Whew! False alarm. Bushie, READ YOUR CARDS!



THOSE CRAZY KIDS, ACTUALLY ADULTS: Kid Nation premiered the previous night and I didn't watch it. Because what parent would let their child spend forty days and nights by themselves?! Oh, right these parents would.



BILL CLINTON: Dear God, please let Bill Clinton get back into the White House. Imagine what he can do as First Gentleman

THE COLBERT REPORT: SEPTEMBER 19, 2007

ED ASNER AND THE ATONE PHONE: Note to self-Ed Asner HATES spunk.



THE WORD IS...SOLITARITY: Stephen's right(in his subtle way), kids are hiding behind their blogs and online posts. Let's face it, my generation are passive pussies.



COLBERT PLATINUM: The Green Edition. I had the special credit card so I could view this segment. If I may talk to the rich for one second; I think you mean well by going "green", but creating a $50000? Louis Vitton purse created out of other LV purses is not going to cut it.



NAOMI WOLF: She made a good argument. The U.S. is in danger of becoming a fascist nation.

THE DAILY SHOW: SEPTEMBER 19, 2007

DON'T TASER ME BRAH!!: The best part is watching all the other kids stand by and do nothing.

PARTY LIKE IT'S 1994!: With all this O.J. news, it's like 1994 again. So if it is 1994, that means I'm 11 years old and in middle school, right?

OH, LARRY!: Senior Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore has spoken: It is okay for African-Americans to say O.J. is guilty. Karma's a bitch!

GEN. WESLEY CLARK: I'll admit I didn't pay much attention to this interview.

CHECK-IN: Stephen would never hurt a baby!

TIL DEATH: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-SEPT 19, 2007

Less than five minutes in, I changed the channel. I do have one observation-Mr. Brad Garrett, lay off the self-tanner, you look like a carrot.

BACK TO YOU: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPTEMBER 19, 2007

The highly, highly anticipated premiere of Back to You featuring so many veteran performers (Kelsey Grammer, Patricia Heaton, and Fred Willard), writer/creators (James L. Burrowsand some other guys). Of course I missed most of the show except the last five minutes.

The plot goes something like this: Chuck (Grammer) is fired from his LA news station after his tirade hits You Tube (knew that). He has no choice but to go back to his stomping ground in Pittsburgh with former co-anchor Kelly (Heaton). They have a love/hate relationship-mostly hate-and a one-night stand between them (I knew that, too) which resulted in daughter Gracie. Which I didn't know, holy crap!

As you can tell ending took me aback somewhat, okay a lot. This was not mentioned in releases. I mean are the writers going to go there, someday, I mean if the show lasts that long.

THE COLBERT REPORT: SEPTEMBER 18, 2007

Wow, I was wrong. Stephen didn't have a relapse, but he did have the Atone Phone (1-800-667-7539 or 1-800-OOPS-JEW). He called on the Jewish, no all Emmy voters who did not vote for him so we can find out where they live. Then all of a sudden, the not-dead Barry Manilow visited from beyond the grave to help Stephen remember that the Emmy is in our hearts. Then Jon Stewart called Manilow to make a play date with their Emmys. MANNNNILLLOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!

THE WORD IS...LET MY PEOPLE GO: A man named Thomas Hiltachk is attempting to get back at the "Man" by changing the way Cali's 55 electoral votes are dispersed. Uhh, dude, you won't be able to pull it off.

DIFFERENCE MAKERS: I forgot, where is the all-American statue of Nitro Girl located? God bless America!

SUSAN SARANDON: Sarandon managed to get Stephen to crack up for a second.
Best Line
Stephen: "You know Sean Penn?"
Susan: "Not in a biblical sense."

THE DAILY SHOW: SEPTEMBER 18, 2007

First, let's congratulate The Daily Show for its Emmy!

THE UNITER-O.J.!-Yes we are a nation divided, but who can unite us? I know-O.J.! He got himself into trouble again. Don't worry he tried to rob someone, no one was killed. THIS TIME!

THAT'S AL FOLKS!: Thank you for the Looney Tunes shout-out. I miss watched Bugs and the gang since someone (I'm looking at you Boomerang!) took them off the air. Thank you Alberto Gonzalez for embarrassing yourself just one more time.

IS AMERICA READY...FOR A WOMAN PRESIDENT?: I love the Sex and the City spoof. Starring Samantha Bee as Carrie, The NOW president? as Miranda, LaTanya someone as Charlotte and The Pick-Up Artist's Mystery as Samantha? No wait Kim Catrall made a cameo as herself. So did John Hodgman. They both got to dump a bucket of water on Bee.

ALAN GREENSPAN: I should have watched his interview, but I didn't. I was too excited to see Stephen's reaction to losing to BEEEENNNNNNETTTTTTT!!!!!!!

K-VILLE: SERIES PREMIERE-SEPT. 17, 2007

Actually I missed the series premiere on the 17th, but they repeated it the next day.
According to the ads, K-Ville is a groundbreaking show. It is shot in post-Katrina New Orleans. Good for them. Premise: Marlin (Anthony Anderson) is a NOPD cop who plays by his own rules (where have I seen that before?) since his partner left him during the hurricane. Now he is partnered up with a rookie (Cole Hauser) who is Marlin's polar opposite and has just completed a tour in Afghanistan. I can't leave out the Marlin has personal problems: his wife and daughter are living in Atlanta and don't want to come back. Oooh, I wonder what she'll choose!

K-Ville is another wham-bam-thank you mamn cop show. Although I have been a fan of Anderson since he starred in a NBC Saturday morning show called Hang Time. Aaahhh, memories. Getting back to business, I probably will not be watching, unless something awesome happens.

PRISON BREAK: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT. 17, 2007

Welcome to the 2007-2008 season! I will watch and critique every series and season premiere. Maybe I'll keep watching, maybe not. Anyway let's get on with it. First off, the third season premiere of Prision Break.

The show goes like this: A guy named Michael gets himself sent to prision to break out his older brother Lincoln who is on death row for a crime he didn't commit (of course he didn't do it!). Mike has drawn a map of the prison on his body. He, Linc, and several other inmates escape at the end of season one. Season two: the brothers are on the run from the FBI. One agent in particular, Malone, is obessed with catching the duo. Later on, Lincoln is exonerated and Michael somehow gets himself sentenced to prision...in Panama. Now Lincoln has to free Michael. Whew! Got it? Good.

Also spending time in the Panama slammer with Mike are the FBI agent and a few other guys. Now, in this prision, there are no guards inside so the inmates are running the place. They have some activities like fighting people to the death. Linc is going to get Mike out legally, but those plans fall through and Mike has to break out again to save his nephew and lady. Yeah, those two have been kidnapped and will be killed if he doesn't break out.

Prision Break is a great show, but you have to watch it from the beginning! Or you will have review posts like this from someone who doesn't have a clue of what's going on.

PREVIOUSLY ON THE COLBERT REPORT...

• Stephen's cast is off!!! (Aug 23)
• Stephen runs out of pills (Aug 13)
• MONKEY ON THE LAM!!!! (Aug 13. 15)
• DNA: Could it Happen to You?! (Aug 14)
• Stephen may be Jewish! (Aug 14)
• That British dick Andrew Keen (Aug 16)
• The Colbert-Richard Branson trainwreck! (Aug 22)
• TEK JANSEN!! (Sept 12)
• Interview with Executive Assistant Katie Bruggerman (Sept 11)
• What do you mean kids get money for good grades. Forget this, I'm moving to New York! (Sept 12)
• The Atone Phone returns! (Sept 12)
• Wait a minute, that was Viggo Mortenson! (Sept 13)

P.S. Tony Bennett, watch your back 'cause the Colbert Nation is pissed off at you!. BEEENNNNNNNNETTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PREVIOUSLY ON THE DAILY SHOW...

Since I have not recapped since August 9...

• Rob Riggle reported from Iraq-really. (Aug 20-23)
• We were treated to Larry Craig's Trapped in the Closet complete with not R. Kelly(Sept. 10)
• Rob Corrdry gave a special report in a bathroom stall (Sept 10)
• PETRAEUS!! (Sept. 11-13)
• Bye, Bye Rove (Aug 13) aanddd Gonzalez (day after the start of two week break!)
• Kucinich' wife is really HOT! How the hell did he get her?!

TCM'S SUMMER UNDER THE STARS: PART TWO

And now for part two..

August 16 (Elvis Presley): Don't care, didn't watch any film.

August 17 (Maureen O'Hara): Much better. DVR: Sinbad the Sailor, The Long Gray Line, and This Land is Mine. Read her biography because it proves how awesome she is.

August 18 (Spencer Tracy): DVR: The Murder Man (eh). Watched It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World-hilarious!

August 19 (Errol Flynn): Even though he is awesome, I didn't watch any films.

August 20 (Rosalind Russell): Now my DVR has exploded with The Feminine Touch, Design for Scandal, and Tell It to the Judge. Plus watched the TCM premiere of My Sister Eileen and Auntie Mame!

August 21 (Gary Cooper): Seen most of films shown.

August 22 (Ann Miller): Missed films I wanted to see.

August 23 (Jane Fonda): What? No Klute?!

August 24 (Ronald Reagan): Watched Brother Rat and Kings Row. DVR: The Girl from Jones Beach.

August 25 (Broderick Crawford): DVR: Down These Dark Streets.

August 26 (Kirk Douglas): Missed Gunfight at the OK Corral for the fourth time! DVR: Champion.

August 27 (Loretta Young): DVR: Life Begins and The Doctor Takes a Wife.

August 28 (Roy Rogers): DVR cut off Dark Command.

August 29 (Mary Astor): DVR: Two Arabian Knights and So They Were Married.

August 30 (Buster Keaton): DVR: College, The Navigator, and Our Hospitality.

August 31 (Sean Connery): DVR: The Hill-hey that's Ossie Davis!

TCM'S SUMMER UNDER THE STARS: PART ONE

Since 2003, my favorite channel, Turner Classic Movies has dedicated the month of August as the Summer Under the Stars. One classic star for 24 hours with a mixture of their best known and loved roles plus some hidden gems. My DVR has nearly exploded this month. Just wait until the 20th. We are now at the halfway mark.

August 1 (Elizabeth Taylor): I've seen most of the films that were shown including National Velvet (cute), Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Brick was totally gay), Suddenly Last Summer (watch the last 20 minutes on an empty stomach), and A Place in the Sun (I'm sorry, but when she says "Tell Mama" I burst out laughing). I only DVR'd one film, Cynthia, made in 1947. It's a chance to see a young Taylor before she became a huge star.

August 2 (Peter O'Toole): I missed the premiere of Becket! Rats! Fortunately, there will be repeat airings. Already saw Lawrence of Arabia (DO NOT watch it on a small screen). DVR'd The Sandpiper which was an Elizabeth Taylor movie. They said he had a uncredited role as a voice on a phone. I watched about 20 minutes then I FF to the end of the film. O'Toole had several premieres of his films including one where he was in love with his sister!!

August 3 (Joan Crawford): Saw or didn't care about her daytime films including Mildred Pierce, Possessed, Rain, and Above Suspicion. She had several premieres that evening including Harriet Craig (boy, she was a major bitch in that one!), Autumn Leaves (nice love story), Berserk!, and the infamous Trog!

August 4 (William Holden): I did DVR Meet the Stewart's (cute comedy about newlyweds), Arizona (okay western), and Miss Grant Takes Richmond (Lucille Ball before I Love Lucy). After five aborted attempts, I finally watched part of The Bridge on the River Kwai.

August 5 (James Stewart): Jimmy! Jimmy! I have seen most of his films that aired on the fifth, but after several tries, I saw The Naked Spur! TRIVIA: Stewart is the only one to have a day dedicated to him on all 5 SUTS.

August 6 (Robert Mitchum): Didn't get to watch anything even El Dorado! WAAAAAHHHHHH!

August 7 (Jane Russell): Not again! NOTE: This means I didn't get to see anything.

August 8 (Dana Andrews): Who cares about anything else! I got to see The Best Years of Our Lives again!!

August 9 (Myrna Loy): Happy Birthday Mom! She really wanted to see all six Thin Man movies, but it's on DVD, so I might buy her the set for XMas. DVR: Lonelyhearts (meh).

August 10 (Vincent Price): Saw The Pit and the Pendulum in high school. Not half-bad. DVR: The Abominable Dr. Phibes and Theatre of Blood (can't critique until I see them)

August 11 (Doris Day): I've seen most of the movies shown today.

August 12 (Alan Ladd): Wait a second, Ladd was in Citizen Kane! Another day of no films I want to see.

August 13 (June Allyson): Much better. DVR: Good News (haven't seen it yet), The Bride Goes Wild (funny), her Private Screenings interview with TCM host Robert Osborne, and You Can't Run Away from It (musical remake of It Happened One Night).

August 14 (Ernest Borgnine): DVR: Season of Passion (haven't seen it yet).

August 15 (Joan Bennett): DVR: The Woman in the Window (I have wanted to see this for a long time), and The Woman on the Beach. Watched some of Father of the Bride and its sequel, Father's Little Dividend (both hysterically funny).

Well, that's it for me. If you want to see any of these films or check out the SUTS schedules, please go to the website TCM.com

THE COLBERT REPORT: AUGUST 9, 2007

WRIST STRONG!: It's on sale at Comedy Central! For five bucks! Plus shipping and handling! Screw this, I'll try to get a freebie first. Stephen went to the CBS studio and gave Katie Couric a WRIST STRONG bracelet personally and she promised him she would wear it during her broadcast. Cut to 5:30 (central time)...WTF?!! You evil bitch! You made Stephen cry!! First leaving the Today show, now this!!!! That's it, you ma'am, are ON NOTICE!!!

THE WORD IS...CLARITY: Hey wasn't that a WORD on a previous TCR. I checked, it was! Oh well. Rudy Giuliani, you never cease to amaze me.

JUDD APATOW: Stephen has seen none of his movies. Apatow is a nice guy because he is going to give WRIST STRONG bracelets to all the famous people he sees.

THE DAILY SHOW: AUGUST 9, 2007

BUSH IN HIS OWN WORDS: Fox News Neil Cavuto interviewed President Bush. I'm surprised Cavuto didn't make out with him.

THE FIGHTIN' ROMNEYS: Oh, those Romney brothers. There so crazy! They have a bag of Ruffles! That is so hot!

TAL-BEN SHAHAR: I didn't watch his interview. Sorry!

THE COLBERT REPORT: AUGUST 8, 2007

WRIST STRONG!: It reminds you have a wrist!

BEARS AND BALLS: We have growth market potential in China! Invested in the Olympics! If that's not your cup of green tea try bootlegging unauthorized Harry Potter titles! Button says YES!

TINA BROWN: She also has an injured left wrist! I loved the soft focus for her interview. See, Stephen can do classy interviews. Eat it, Barbara Walters!

THE DAILY SHOW: AUGUST 8, 2007

ABOUT TIME!: Barry Bonds hit home run 756. Everyone knew it happened including Rob Riggle who had a pretty adventurous weekend full of coyotes and other things. What the hell happened out there Riggle! I want to know!

MESS O'POTAMIA: Our dear government lost nearly 200,000 weapons. Everytime I think they cannot get any dumber, they surprise me.

THE HENRY STOPS HERE: Awesome, Buck Henry reporting about Rupert Murdoch's purchase of the Wall Street Journal! He was right about Murdoch being a nice guy because if anyone tried to criticize Pulitzer or Hearst, they would be beaten to death with their mother's bodies!

JOE BIDEN: That Tulane joke was a little harsh, man.

THE COLBERT REPORT: AUGUST 7, 2007

THIS IS THE COLBERT REPORT...IN BED: Love those fortune cookie jokes.



DAILY KOS: According to Bill "Papa Bear" O'Reilly, the DailyKos, a liberal blog, is like the KKK. That's right, he compared them to the Klan.



BETTER KNOW A PROTECTORATE...SAMOA!: Facts about delegate Eni Faleomavaega (I got it right!): he did not blow up the nuclear bomb!

IAN BOGOST: The video game designer who blogged about a future (now infamous) interview between Stephen Colbert and....who is it? Find out when it (if ever) airs!!

P.S. You probably already know.

THE DAILY SHOW: AUGUST 7, 2007

CLUSTERF%*K TO THE WHITE HOUSE: Florida Representative Bob Allen was caught offering money to an undercover officer for oral sex. You know what his defense was....racist remarks! He had a million of them!

CAPE WIND: Jason Jones reported about environmentalists wanting to installing wind machines (which will help clean the air) in Nantucket and the rich folk who believe the machines will block their view. At least is how I interpreted it.

ANDY SAMBERG: The SNL star did okay in his interview. Nothing much else to say about that.

THE COLBERT REPORT: AUGUST 2, 2007

INTERVENTION: The "Smarties" Stephen is taking is causing him to become more paranoid by the minute. A superhighway connecting Canada and Mexico. Moose Tacos!

MEG!: What a lovely tribute to Ingmar Bergman. Oh, suffering and longing!

THE DAILY SHOW: AUGUST 2, 2007

WHAT TO GET CHENEY FOR XMAS: A silver deathbox. Cash or credit?

INDECISION 2008 FOOD EDITION: Barak Obama hosted a contest where three people would have dinner with them. If I had won, I would not ask him if he watched Lil' Bush. I watched one episode and hated it. Although, there is something oddly endearing about Lil' Cheney.

MATT DAMON: What a great guest. Anyone who has Jon belly-laughing is all right in my book.

THE COLBERT REPORT: AUGUST 1, 2007

WRIST WATCH: Stephen brought out his doctor, Jerry Vizzone, to explain that Stephen will recover from his life-altering wrist injury. Vizzone entered and exited with his own cheerleading surgeon team.

THE WORD is...COLLEGE CREDIT: Maybe we should put college education in a market-based system. It will be based on three levels: Marketable (Business, Engineering, Science, whatever pro footballers major in), Non-Marketable (History), and You Know this is Hurting Your Parents (Classics, Comparative Lit). I was a Communications Major so I guess I am in the Marketable level. WOO HOO!

THE DAILY SHOW: AUGUST 1, 2007

HE'S BACK: Donald Rumsfeld returned to Congress to give testimony in the Pat Tillman case, and he's still got it! He denied everything. Ah, memories on the corners of my mind...

THE SCARIEST PICTURE EVER!: Cheney's smile. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

SUB-PRIME MARKET: I learned that if you have Oprah as your co-signer on a loan, you will be approved.

JED BABBIN: Still engrossed in Pough's hotness to listen.

THE COLBERT REPORT: JULY 31, 2007

SMARTIES: As how Vicodin tastes like to Stephen. How hard was it to watch all those wrist injuries on screen?! I had successfully blocked that scene in"The Fly" from my brain. Now all those horrible memories have returned. DAMMIT!!!!

STEPHEN'S REAL ESTATE ADVICE: The main story was that Russia has claimed the North Pole as theirs. Christmas is in jeopardy. Our children will be drunk of their minds by 8 a.m. Christmas morning. As Stephen said, we must send our reserve of hermit crabs to bring Christmas back to America!

THE WORD is...SPECIAL PROSECUTOR: Alberto Gonzales, I implore you, please STFU. You will not win, everyone thinks you are a liar. In fact, there is documented proof that you have lied to everyone!

KATHLEEN KENNEDY TOWNSEND: Townsend is also one of eleven children like Stephen is, but she cannot say their names faster than he can.

THE DAILY SHOW: JULY 31, 2007

NOME!: Alaskan senator and Internet-tubes coiner Ted Stevens had his home raided by the FBI. I loved the before/after shots of Stevens with a suit overfilled with money.

LIVE EARTH CONCERT: Aasif Mandvi exposed the hypocrisy of these save-the-world concerts. BTW, who is this nutty bitch? I bet she had a sampling of some certain leaves. Most people did not go to Live Earth to raise awareness, as one guy said, he was there for "babes, booze, and Bon Jovi."

HELLO!: Oh, Mr. Lewis Gordon Pough, how nice you look in your tight Speedo. Plus, you're foreign?! Your hotness just envelops the TV. I'm sorry where was I?

THE COLBERT REPORT: JULY 30, 2007

AN UPDATE ON STEPHEN'S WRIST: The "Get Well" flowers for our dear Stephen keep coming even a cookie bear arrangement. If it's edible, bite the head off!

THREATDOWN: The number one threat...BADGERS! I agree with Stephen on carpet bombing the University of Wisconsin. Those Badgers played against my Kentucky Wildcats a couple of years ago. Sorry Wisconsin, you may have lost to the Cats but you only lost by 6!! For that, you must be carpet bombed!!!

THE DAILY SHOW: JULY 30, 2007

PARTY IN IRAQ!: Iraq has something to celebrate (no, not the U.S. leaving the country), but something better, they won the AFC Asian Cup over Saudi Arabia.

I HEART SEN. PATRICK LEAHY: The thought of someone supoeaning Karl Rove makes my ticker aflutter. Someone should charge him with that M.C. Rove video. Blech.

THE DAILY SHOW AND THE COLBERT REPORT: JULY 24-26

Well, I didn't post again for the past week. I did go and see The Simpsons Movie and tried to fathom how No Reservations sold out at my local movie theater. Anyway on to the best of The Daily Show which was the YouTube debates. Poor Stephen broke his wrist on The Colbert Report.

Yes, this recap sucked.

THE COLBERT REPORT: JULY 23, 2007

TOO BUSY READING HARRY POTTER: What a cute gag throughout the show. By the way, SPOILER ALERT-Hermione is a DUDE.

THE WORD IS...PREMIUM PACKAGE: Ah, to be rich. I would have affordable health care.

COLBERT PLATINUM: Finally, the solution to who gave the coral reefs herpes! It was polo horses in a freaky three-way with dolphins by some rich guy's luxury submarine.

SIMON SCHAMA: What a funny guy. He can't say the word "craft" correctly. Oh, you Brits! I knew Caravaggio was going to be mentioned after Stephen commented on how artist were such a-holes. FYI, Caravaggio killed a guy. He got off by painting his own portrait!!

THE DAILY SHOW: JULY 23, 2007

July 21, 2007 is a day that will live in infamy. Dick Cheney was President of the United States!!! AAAAHHHH!! for two hours. Yes, Bush had a colonoscopy Saturday morning. Can Cheney nuke Iran and start another necessary war in two hours? It was a close call, but crisis adverted.

The guest was scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I agree with Jon, when Tyson talks, I get kinda horny. When I squinted my eyes, Tyson looked like Billy Dee Williams!

THE COLBERT REPORT: WEEK OF JULY 16

As stated on the previous post, I am experimenting with best of the week/segments for TCR.

And the winner is ....after months of pleading and begging...
STEPHEN GETS AN iPHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a side note, the Emmy nominations were announced last week and Stephen is again nominated for Outstanding-whatever he lost to MANNILOW!!!!!-now he is going against Tony Bennett. I firmly believe if BENNETT!! wins, Stephen's head will explode.

THE DAILY SHOW: WEEK OF JULY 16

I'm trying out a new format; if I forget to recap an episode of TDS, I will select a best-of-the-week quote and/or segment.

The winner of July 16-19 is...

"It's like robbing Peter to touch Paul." (On why the Archdiocese of LA paid $660 million to Catholic Church abuse survivors) NOTE: Maybe they should have paid $666 million!!

HONORABLE MENTION: "I may have an action figure in my rectum." (Actually watch the segment on Comedy Central's Motherload.

A BELATED BARBARA STANWYCK BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE

Okay, so I didn't get back with you last week like I said; a head cold and laziness will do that to a person. With that out of the way, let's get started...

A week ago today, July 16, 2007 was the 100th anniversary of Barbara Stanwyck's birth. Turner Classic Movies celebrated the day by having a 24-hour tribute to the lady. Alas, her best remembered films such as Double Indemnity and The Lady Eve were not shown. Sadly, I only got to catch one film (luckily, I had seen most of the line-up), These Wilder Years. Made in 1956, it's the only teaming of Stanwyck with James Cagney. Years tells the story of tycoon Steve Bradford (Cagney) who has a dark secret: twenty years before he impregnated a girl and abandoned her, now he wants to know where the boy is (BTW, the boy was adopted, if no one has figured that out yet). He discovers the child was born at The Haven, a home for unwed mothers run by Ann Dempster (our b-day gal). Bradford also develops a bond with a young pregnant girl while fighting Dempster for the right to find the boy.

TCM also aired Baby Face (Stanwyck literally sleeps her way to the top), Sorry, Wrong Number, Annie Oakley, and Meet John Doe. Don't worry, Stanwyck made about ninety films. Watch all of them, she never gave a bad performance.

I'M BAAAAAAAACCCCKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW it's been three months since I last posted. I didn't realize it had been that long. I just became frustrated because I hadn't found my voice yet. Stubborn me didn't realize I needed to keep writing in order to find my voice. Don't you worry, because tomorrow I will have new posts on a TCM birthday tribute, two episodes of The Closer, and (THANK GOD) the returns of the Daily Show and The Colbert Report!!!

SOUTH PARK: SEASON 11-PART UNE

Tonight, South Park begins their second half of the 11th season. Before the premiere, let's recap on the first half of the season.

With Apologies to Jesse Jackson- "Apologize!" Stan's dad appears on Wheel of Fortune and manages to anger the whole country. Cartman summed it up best: "It's on! RACE WAR!" It's exactly what Cartman wanted.

Cartman Sucks- Butters is sent to a de-gay camp. Funniest line: "You're my account-a-bill-a-buddy!"

Lice Capades-Odd episode focused on Craig who has lice. Nice tribute to The Thing. The ending made up for the whole episode.

The Snuke- a 24 parody. Cartman as Jack Bauer and Kyle as Chloe O'Brian. The plot is too crazy to explain. Watch the episode.

Fantastic Easter Special- my favorite. As a Catholic, I always wondered how Easter went from the day Jesus rose from the dead to bunnies and candy. Now I know.

D-Yikes- "Scissor me timbers!" You don't want to know what that means. TRUST ME. Mrs. Garrison comes out as a lesbian.

Night of the Living Homeless-"Change!" "Change!" Homeless people invade South Park. An entire tribute to George Romero.

Sneak peek: On the season premiere, Cartman has...Tourette's!

THE DAILY SHOW: APRIL 23-24, 2007 PLUS A SIDE OF COLBERT!

Oh, my God! Did Jon give the smackdown on Matt Cooper and John McCain or what?! I am at a loss for words. Since I didn't get to see TDS until this morning, I want to watch it again tonight and really listen to the interview. McCain made some bad jokes on there.

BTW, Mr. McCain, like Stewart, I was a real fan, you were the only Republican I respected. Now in the words of Michael Corleone, "You have broken my heart."

The only thing really worth mentioning on TCR these past two episodes is that bears have awoken from hibernation and have reclaimed the number one position on the THREATDOWN!

THE COLBERT REPORT: APRIL 16-19

Previously on The Colbert Report...

• Sean Penn shows the world that he has a sense of humor.
• Meta-Free-Phor-All: Shall I Nail Thee to a Summer's Day?
• Happy National Library Week (last week).
• Nothing is as funny as flirty Stephen.
• Stephen forgot to do his taxes!
• When cows are injected with recombinant bovine growth hormone, it's like milk that came from Jesus!
• No Pulitzer for Stephen!

THE DAILY SHOW: APRIL 16-19

With last week's horrifying news story, (okay, horrifying is an understatement), I barely couldn't get into last week's episodes of TDS or TCR. Hence my lack of posting. Anyway, here are some highlights...

• Correspondent Aasif Mandvi reports on American Idol instead of the Supreme Court ruling of abortion.
• If someone names their child "Frosty" then they must hate their child.
• I want John Oliver's pimped-out ride!
• Dear Alberto Gonzalez, please quit, no one takes you seriously anymore.

THE COLBERT REPORT: APRIL 12, 2007

Ha, ha, ha, ha! I got to stay for the "Catholics Only" segment!

TAD AND THE EAGLE: Tad's mission if chooses to accept it (and he will because you don't say NO to Stephen) is to find an eagle for Stephen Jr. to mate with. Tad came back with a chicken and eagle scratches.

Next week, will Stephen have enough rage in him?! (read: guests John Kerry and Sean Penn).

THE DAILY SHOW: APRIL 12, 2007

WANTED, WAR CZAR: Look it up on Craiglist.

THAT CRAZY BITCH NANCY GRACE: After getting their names dragged, no buried in the mud, the Duke lacrosse players were exonerated. Batshit crazy Grace had no problem accusing them without evidence, but on the night she had to eat her words and apologize, she's out for the evening.

RICHARD PRESTON: A book about trees. 'Nuff said.

MOMENT OF ZEN: The world did get a lot of less interesting.

THE COLBERT REPORT: APRIL 10 AND 11, 2007

KATRINA VANDEN HUEVEL: On the previous post, I believed Katrina was born in Owensboro, Kentucky where I live. It turns out her husband was the one born and raised in Owensboro. Thank you Wikipedia! I still love Wikiality!

IT'S A GIRL!: an association who's name I can't remember named a female turtle after Stephen. Meet Stephanie Colburtle the Turtle. She has left nine egg nests in Costa Rica and is heading for the Galapagos Islands. You can track Stephanie's progress at greatturtlerace.com

THE WORDS ARE...HIP REPLACEMENT AND SEASON PASS: Catering to the young people eh? Not having health insurance is in now and a reality show about Iraq? What a great country.

BULLS AND BALLS: Thank you TCR for working in the word "bees!" in the segment.

SPORT REPORT: Oh, Saginaw, better luck next year.

If anyone was wondering the guests were Jeanette Walls and Avil something.

The Hungarian ambassador is awesome. Shred on!!

THE DAILY SHOW: APRIL 10 AND 11, 2007

Sad news, today author Kurt Vonnegut died. He was only on TDS a few months ago, and what a great guest: sharp and not afraid to speak the truth. We'll miss you, Kurt.

Since I am a lazy ass, I decided to combine Tuesday and Wednesday's shows.

TWO DAYS OF "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!": After months of speculation and bets, the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is YOU! First I'm Time's Person of the Year, now this?! Wednesday, Jon explained to the children at Camera Three why no one knew who this baby's daddy was. Oh, and to tell them that their sister actually is their Mommy.

Brian Williams' head made a special guest appearance on Tuesday.

YOU'RE SCREWED DON: As everyone knows, Don Imus can kiss his career goodbye, but sadly the media cannot. They just had to repeat that phrase that will not be named over and over again. One female reporter asked the Rutgers basketball team if they thought Imus was being more offensive to African-Americans or women?

JOHN OLIVER: Correspondent John Oliver traveled to the Israel ambassador's office...in NYC.
I bet the ambassador does have contacts in Hollywood. Look for John Oliver's Pimpin' Is Easy at a theater near you!

CLUSTERF&*K TO THE WHITE HOUSE: The Republicans have no viable candidate this year. Maybe Giuliani, if people can get over that cross-dressing thing.

GUESTS WALTER ISAACSON (TUESDAY) AND HALLE BERRY (WEDNESDAY): I'll give you two guesses who the Jon and the audience were more excited to see.

THE COLBERT REPORT: APRIL 9, 2007

Oh, Stephen how I have missed you!

HE ABSTAINED! After forty days and forty nights, Stephen finally got to taste his Americone Dream, he tasted several pints in fact. Enormous brain freeze! Oh, and AD is out-selling Cherry Garcia!

STEPHEN'S 401K! TAXES EDITION: Now Stephen's man-seed is available to create a new dependent for tax deduction!

KATRINA VANDEN HEUVEL: I have to look it up, but I think The Nation editor is from Owensboro, Kentucky or in a surrounding area. I tell you tomorrow!

THE DAILY SHOW: APRIL 9, 2007

Thank the Lord nothing happened the week TDS was off. Except for the brand new set! The only bad thing about the show was that damn whoosh sound during the interview with Bill Bradley. I know who he is, you don't need to tell me every three seconds!

THE BRITISH ARE HOME! THE BRITISH ARE HOME!: Okay, one good thing happened during the break. The fifteen soldiers were released from Iranian captivity after being tortured with days of ping-pong and chess. Now those poor people cannot sell their stories. "So no one told you life was going to be this way" clap, clap, clap... Hey, John Oliver got a haircut.

DON'T COMPARE INDIANA TO IRAQ: McCain and others went on their much reported trip to Iraq last week. One guy bought five rugs for five bucks! See, folks Iraq is just like that hellacious shithole "Hoosier" Indiana. I'm from Kentucky, it's required to call anything from Indiana "Hoosier".

THE COLBERT REPORT: MARCH 29, 2007

Oh, wouldn't Stephen look great on a Harlequin Romance novel cover?! Those titillating thoughts made me forget everything else that happened in the episode.

THE DAILY SHOW: MARCH 29

Yo! Karl Rove Raps!: After less than five seconds of watching this footage of Rove rapping, I had to kill myself.

Don't Mess with the British: Jon warned Iran about taking the British soldiers hostage, but they didn't listen. As fellow Britian John Oliver said during tea, "Iran, we will fuck you up."

For the first time, a Disney animated film will have a black princess. Larry Wilmore explained after a Chinese princess and even a half-fish princess, African-Americans will finally have their turn.

I forgot to add that John McCain's MySpace page was hacked saying that he supported gay marriage, especially between two married passionate females. McCain did clear up the matter saying (and I am paraphrasing) that while he did not support gay marriage, he did however, back two women getting it on.

THE COLBERT REPORT: MARCH 27 and 28

What I learned in the past two episodes of The Colbert Report...

• Sean Penn needs to be nailed by Stephen
• To get Stephen re-rages, show a clip of last year's Emmy Awards
• Madeline Albright is a cool lady
• Stephen will drive Paulina Porzikova home tonight
• Rocker Todd Rundergen was responsible for getting PP voted off Dancing with the Stars
• Stephen cannot speak bad Italian without cracking up

THE DAILY SHOW: MARCH 27 and 28

What I learned in the past two episodes of The Daily Show ...

• Pork & Flag on a Stick does not look appetizing
• Cloning steaks sounds awesome!!!
• Dubya does not like deadlines
• Apparently black people have an easier time saying the "N" word than Caucasians
• John Oliver and Larry Whilmore make a great team
• I don't watch the interviews closely enough

THE COLBERT REPORT: MARCH 26, 2007

Stephen is riled because he didn't get the winning bid on a mummified hand which may be the first known "We're number 1!" sign. He could take the hand to other auctions and use it as his bidding paddle!

Dear Mr. Emanuel and other reps who regret being on Better Know a District, now you have a chance to edit Stephen's words like you claim he does to yours. You may take his love of cock...fighting and make it into something dirty.

It would have been a dream to go up to Oshawa and participate in Stephen Colbert Day! Just for the sake of watching that douche Toronto Raptor mascot take a spill after making fun of poor Steagle. Thank God for video.

Hey guest who's three-word name I can't remember, if you sue Viacom you'll be destroying Stephen!

THE DAILY SHOW: MARCH 26, 2007

I bet CNN's Rick Sanchez will one day demonstrate how to get your leg bit off by a shark or attacked by a grizzly bear. Just you wait and see.

Tehran Bureau Chief John Oliver was right about the British soldiers being continually polite to their captors. However, if they get a few shots of scotch in them...

I did a bad thing last night. I was on the Internet and didn't pay attention to Lewis Black and John Kerry. Please forgive me!

About call Tony Snow a "prick" the other day, I feel a little bad saying that because the man's cancer has returned and I didn't even know he had cancer to begin with!

THE COLBERT REPORT: WEEK OF MARCH 19

What a great week on The Colbert Report!! Tuesday's showdown with Willie Nelson was classic!!

• The WORD is...Pound of Flesh: Maybe convicts should give their organs to those in need, that way the people who need some type of transplant won't have to wait as long.
• Democratic Chair Rahm Emanuel is trying to dissuade fellow Democrats from appearing on TCR. Stephen decided to give Emanuel a present, a finger because RE lost one in a slicing accident.
• Willie Nelson's ice cream has been recalled because it contained wheat!
• HAPPY STEPHEN COLBERT DAY!!!
• Stephen went off on Willie Nelson and had to have Ambassador Richard Ashbrook moderate the rest of the interview.
• Even Stephen is helpless against the baby polar bear at a German zoo!
• Two BKAD's in one week! Awesome!
• I think Stephen is goading Congress to impeach Bush.
• DC Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton is a great sport and she's got "High Hopes"!

THE DAILY SHOW: WEEK OF MARCH 19

After 2 weeks of nada, I finally decided to get off my ass and do something. Namely, write for this blog!
Now on to the highlights of The Daily Show...

• Happy birthday Bruce Willis, Glenn Close, and Iraq War!!!!
• Jason Jones is the host of the newest segment, Diagnosis Mystery. Today's mystery is: can you un-gay a person? If you want to find out if this actually worked go onto Comedy Central website and look for the Daily Show's video. Specifically, watch part 2.
• Ladies and Gentleman, John McCain is back!!!
• Guest John Bolton is a dumbass and he talked bad about Lincoln! Shame on you, Colonel Sanders!
• The next night, after the Colonel try to disprove facts about Honest Abe, Jon called Lincoln expert Doris Kearns Goodwin on a old-time telephone to give her hell about giving him false info.
• Jon made a good point to guest Chris Hansen, why hasn't he been attacked by one of the predators yet?
• Graphics of "flaming babies" are HILARIOUS!
• Tony Snow is a prick.
• Demetri Martin explained the Viacom/Google suit with stick figures and buffering. Jon's user name is lonelyjew14.

THE COLBERT REPORT 3-6-07

STEPHEN WON!! MAYBE: Last night, Mega Millions sold two winning lottery tickets worth $370 million dollars. Stephen was convinced he won because he bought ten tickets and the probability of winning is higher. Now he can do anything he wants. Buy Duke Cunningham's boat or Cunningham. Then he decides to stick it to Sumner Redstone. One of the tickets was sold in New Jersey, so maybe he did win, probably not and he will have to apologize to Redstone.

NOT GUILTY!: Scooter Libby was found not guilty on one of the five charges against him. His appeals start next week mainly because the jury was confused, but not apparently when they wore t-shirts with hearts on them for the judge.

THE WORD IS WWJD: What Would Jesus Dispense? A Bakersfield, California doctor does not allow people with tatoos and body piercings in his office. The complaint was made by a woman who brought her little girl with an ear infection and was turned away because of the mother's tatoos. Plus he doesn't allow gum because God hates gum and that is why He destroyed Sodom and Gumorrah. Doctors and pharmacists are letting their moral beliefs come into contact with their Hippocratic Oath. It started with the morning-after pill and now has come to this.

THREATDOWN!: 5. Warner Bros.-the studio already has the rights to the Valerie Plame story. Stephen did offer some suggestions on who should play the main characters. Valerie Plame-Julia Roberts, Plame's husband-George Clooney, Scooter Libby-Nick Nolte, last guy-Doc Ock.
4. Blood Clots-namely Dick Cheney's. Stephen said Bush should send a troop surge into Cheney ala Fantastic Voyage. 3. Daylight Savings Time-DST will start three weeks earlier than in previous years, but some say our computers are set to the old DST and we might have a mini-Y2K. Get into your shelter's folks! 2. Robots-Japan invented a robot with cameras for eyes. Stephen doesn't trust robots because they will take over the world. 1. Gravity-I can't remember what Stephen said about that.

The guest was Mark Fravenhandler, the founder of Make magazine where anyone can take a household object and create it into something else. Example, your computer mouse becomes a robotic mouse which Stephen will accidentally destroy.

THE DAILY SHOW 3-6-07

CORRECTION: The Army Surgeon general's name was Kiley, not Reilly. He still was fired though and actually was the previous head of Walter Reed who made the hospital what it is today. The first segment continued on the Reed scandal. All anyone hears from Bush and the Bushees is "Support our Troops." Military Analyst (not really) and Reservist (true) Rob Riggle agreed with the administration and showed off his magnet-filled (Support our Troops) truck. Apparently, Riggle cannot say anything bad about the military, publicly or he will probably be court-martialed. Really, it is in the US Military of Codes!

SAM ON YOUR SIDE: Samantha Bee interviewed Bill Russell (not the NBA legend, as she found out) an atheist who wants to cease the religious bells in a quaint New England town. One drawback for Russell is that he doesn't even live there. As the interview progress, we learned that getting rid of the bells were the least of his problems.

The guest was Richard Jadick, the world's toughest urologist. Jadick quit his practice to treat soldiers in Iraq on the front lines. You can read part of his story in the current issue of Newsweek.

THE COLBERT REPORT 3-5-07

EAT IT BONO AND WATCH OUT NEWMAN!: The creators of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream were on the show to celebrate the release of the Stephen's new flavor The Americone Dream. Poor Stephen couldn't taste it because he gave up sweets for Lent. I looked for the Dream all over town and it was not in stock. One stocker said their next shipment of B&J's wouldn't arrive until the 23rd!!! Damn you, Owensboro for not being one of the first to have Stephen in your freezers!! The B&J guys were really nice and created an ice cream for Stephen Jr. complete with tiny pieces of fish.

INVEST IN BEES!: Next was the second segment of Bears & Balls, stock tips from Stephen Colbert. With his trusty shiny big red button to help us Heroes in our investments. Tonight's tips were to sell all things Chinese (read: everything) and invest in bees because honeybees are mysteriously disappearing and the leftovers are becoming more valuable. To attract them, put frosting all over your face and let the bees come to you.

The guest was Mara Vanderslice, a political consultant who helps the Democrats express their faith to voters. I bet the public still won't buy it.

EVERYBODY GETS A PINT!: All audience members received a pint of Stephen's new ice cream while I sit here and cry.

THE DAILY SHOW 3-5-07

SHAME ON YOU: Jon was pissed last night and rightfully so. The Walter Reed Military Hospital is in deplorable conditions, especially section 18. So the Bushees (what I will call Bush administration from now on) fired the Army Surgeon General and hired a new one named Reilly, I think. Then the Bushees fired him for being a douchebag. In the Moment of Zen clip, Reilly tells the news crew that the place is not so bad, even though viewers can see a hole in the ceiling!! Our troops who bravely went into a war becoming more like Vietnam each passing minute. No we went waaayy past the 'Nam mark a long time ago. Then the wounded come home to America for treatment and this is what they get! Our boys should be living in five-star hotel quality, complete with massages and Mai-tais.

The guest was Bob Woodruff, the ABC News anchor who was nearly killed in Iraq. He has made a remarkable recovery and has somehow become even better-looking than he was before the accident.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MISS ONE EPISODE OF 24...

If you miss just one episode of 24, this is what will happen...

JACK HAS A BROTHER!!!!!!!!
JACK'S BROTHER ORCHESTRATED THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT PALMER!!!!!!!
JACK'S BROTHER IS DR. ROMANO FROM ER!!!!!!!!!
JACK'S DADDY IS THE REAL MASTERMIND!!!!!!!
JACK'S DADDY KILLED DR. ROMANO!!!!!!!!!
JACK'S NEPHEW MAY BE HIS SON!!!!!!!!!!! NOTE: AUDIENCE SPECULATION ONLY
CHAD LOWE (AKA HILARY SWANK'S EX OR ROB'S LITTLE BRO) LOST HIS FREAKING MIND AND IS GOING TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!!!!!!
PRESIDENT PALMER PART DEUX HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED!!!!!!!!!!!
NEVERMIND, FALSE ALARM!!!!

You must not ever miss one episode or really bad shit will happen.

THE DAILY SHOW 2-12-07

What a weekend America has had! Fortunately TDS has all the coverage you need.

DEATH OF A PERSON OR MOVE OVER DIAPERED ASTRONAUT PSYCHO!: The big news was according to the news networks was Anna Nicole Smith died. The Daily Show mocked the coverage of her death, not Smith herself. At CNN, Wolf Blitzer will probably find something in his coffee after he blatantly talked about reaction to Smith's death after Lou Dobbs promised there would be no more coverage of her demise for the next hour. It was a huge deal at TDS as well with John Oliver in the adjacent grave to Smith's plus Jason Jones accusing Geraldo of murder, it was a good time

OBAMAMANIA!-THE RACE BEGINS: Barack Obama did cocaine?! I did not know that! Black Correspondent Larry Wilmore explained that African-Americans like everything associated with Africa except African people. He also gave advice to Obama to use his half-white/half blackness to good use. Ex: Raise money for campaign-whiteness; if elected, inherit massive debt-blacks like that.

Tonight's guest was author and Supreme Court historian Jeffrey Rosen. He gave the audience some insight on the history of our highest judiciary system. First justice John Jay Marshall and Thomas Jefferson did not get along and current judge Antoine Scalia is kind of a dick. He lets people burn flags for cripes sake!

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: MAJOR CLEANUP PART UNO

Whoever invented the DVR and TIVO is a freakin' genius! You can record a show or movie and watch it later and it has at least 100 hours of memory. There is a downside, though, now you have to go back and watch all you recorded. I mostly DVR films that come on Turner Classic Movies (the best station ever!). Between January 14 and today, I racked up around 10-15 films I wanted to watch. They had some great films on that I had not seen before. Here are some movies I have watched so far...

The Marrying Kind-a couple recalls their divorce to a judge. I fast-forwarded through a lot of it.

The Black Book-also ff'd, but the film cut off right before the main character was about to be struck. Oh, it's about the French Revolution.

The Garden of Allah-Marlene Dietrich marries monk Charles Boyer. It's short.

A Bill of Divorcement-Katharine Hepburn's 1st film! She plays the daughter of John Barrymore who has spent many years in a mental institution. When he comes back home, Barrymore discovers his wife has divorced him and in love with someone else. Now that SUCKS.

Until They Sail-four sisters and their love lives in WWII New Zealand. OK with a young Paul Newman as the male lead.

The Actress-Ruth Gordon who many know as "Maude" from Harold and Maude wrote this screenplay adapted from her autobiographical play about her decision to become an actress. Nothing much to say here, I like any movie with Spencer Tracy.

The Impatient Years-a young couple marries during a four-day courtship and the guy ships off to fight in the war. He comes back and after two days living together, they want to divorce. The judge, along with the bride's father's advice, rules that the duo recreate their honeymoon in order to save the marriage.

THE COLBERT REPORT 2-7-07

A PRAYER FOR STEPHEN: a media company who's name I can't recall honored Stephen as one of the top people in media in 2006. His prize is a full day of prayer for him which is coming on Feburary 22! Right between Phil Collins and Glenn Close! We're gonna party like it's 1985! The company gave a list of things that we should pray for Stephen, but he already has these things. So, Mr. Colbert came up with his own list. On the 22nd, we should pray that Stephen gets a 4-jet engine, invisiblity, and to back in time so he can fight Oliver Cromwell mano-a-mano.
STEPHEN, COME TO KENTUCKY'S 2ND!!: Everytime they show Better Know a District, I will have this subtitle until he meets with our congressman! Tonight's guest was Ohio 18th representative Zack Space who replaced former Rep. Bob Ney who was jailed for accepting bribes from Jack Abramoff. Space says he is a Democrat, but after this interview he is clearly a Republican. Watch the video on Comedy Central's website. C'mon, did you think I was going to link to the video? Actually that part will come later once I figure out how to do it.

Tonight's guest was Charles LeDuff who wrote a book about the American man. I didn't watch the interview.

THE COLBERT REPORT 1-29 and 1-30-07

Mark your calendars, folks! March 20th is Stephen Colbert day in Oskawa, Ontario! It all started last year when junior hockey league team the Saginaw Spirit of Michigan held an online contest to create a new mascot. Stephen asked the Heroes to get the mascot named after him. We all happily obliged, and sometime later, Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle was born. The Spirit came from last place to lead the division this season! Now, Saginaw's rivals are the Oskawa Generals who at a recent game, threw teddy bears onto the ice as a direct mock of Stephen. He hates bears who are godless killing machines. So, Stephen told the Colbert Nation to throw out sections of General Motors third quarter fiscal report (Oskawa is the Canadian headquarters of GM). Now, the mayor of the town challenged Stephen to a bet. The Generals and the Spirit played the previous Saturday. If the mayor won, Stephen would wear a Generals jersey on one episode, but if Stephen won, the mayor would declare it Stephen Colbert Day is Oskawa on Stephen's birthday. Colbert upped the ante: he didn't want his day on his birthday, he wanted it on the mayor's! Cut to Saturday, Saginaw wins 5-4!

Plus, the WORD was WIKILOBBYING. All you need to know is "Reality is the new commodity."
Oh, and Stephen licked a battery.

THE DAILY SHOW 1-29 AND 1-30-07!

I'm back after a week in the Peachtree State. Mom recorded TDS and TCR for me while I was away. I decided I'm not going to do a recap of last week, but do check out on Comedy Central's Motherload or You Tube of Jon Stewart speaking to I'm a Dick Cheney on camera three. Jon tried to speak to ol' Dickey as a fellow hunter, Cheney's physician, and Darth Vader. He did this because of Cheney's interview with Wolf Blitzer and all it shows is Cheney is an even bigger...you know...than we thought. Moving along.

Monday's guest was Bill Gates who hadn't thought of creating jetpacks for the future! And you call yourself an innovator! The interview went fine until Bill left before Jon could say "Bill Gates, everybody!" Tuesday, we "found out" why Gates left. Apparently, he is a major a-hole who pushes all the little guys around. Hillary Clinton's Presidential slogan is "Let's Start the Conversation" ZZZ... Couldn't come with a better one, Hil?

OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL EVENING!

Thursday was a glorious night, with the Scrubs musical and "Papa Bear" O'Reilly on The Colbert Report, I was in heaven.

First, on Scrubs, J.D. and Elliot bring in a woman who has collapsed at the park. Now, this poor woman hears singing everywhere she goes. The best numbers are "Everything Comes Down to Poo" which explains if you are shot, check the poo. The next is J.D. and Turk's love song, "Guy Love" which is a love between two heterosexual men. Although, I wonder about J.D. when he says Turk is the "only man who has ever been inside of me." Turk explains he took out J.D.'s appendix. Other highlights include "Welcome to Sacred Heart" "Friends Forever" and the Turk/Carla tango where he doesn't know his wife's middle name! Great episode!

Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert appeared on The O'Reilly Factor(the only time I will ever watch this show!). Stephen totally nailed Papa Bear! O'Reilly tried to push Stephen's buttons, but our Colbert kept hitting one back every time. Now, on Stephen's show, O'Reilly was nailed again and Colbert stole the microwave from the Fox News studio. I didn't write much in the past few days because one I was in bed again with a bad cold and I am going out of town for the next four days.

THE COLBERT REPORT 1-16-07

It finally happened. Last night's Colbert Report was eh. Except at the beginning when Stephen was berating his staff for the squeaking chair at his desk. Everything must be perfect for O'Reilly Thursday! Also he totally nailed his guest Dinesh what's-his-name! Dinesh says the cultural left caused 9/11, but when asked to clarify, he choked. BURN!!

THE COLBERT REPORT 1-16-07

It finally happened. Last night's Colbert Report was eh. Except at the beginning when Stephen was berating his staff for the squeaking chair at his desk. Everything must be perfect for O'Reilly Thursday! Also he totally nailed his guest Dinesh what's-his-name! Dinesh says the cultural left caused 9/11, but when asked to clarify, he choked. BURN!!

THE COLBERT REPORT 1-16-07

It finally happened. Last night's Colbert Report was eh. Except at the beginning when Stephen was berating his staff for the squeaking chair at his desk. Everything must be perfect for O'Reilly Thursday!

THE DAILYSHOW 1-16-07

BEEP! BEEP!I didn't really pay attention to the first segment of the show, but I did see a Wile E. Coyote analogy to the war including with my favorite part, John Oliver holding a wooden sign that said YIKES! Ah, brings back memories...

KLINGONS IN THE WHITE HOUSE: Which word doesn't belong here? Representative David Wu gave a speech where he compared the war to the Klingon-Vulcan rivalry in the Star Trek series. To further explain what the hell the whole Trekkie war, Jon called expert Leonard Nimoy live via telephone. While Nimoy got into a long, boring explanation (ZZZZZ..), George Takei got on a separate line and I didn't understand what he was saying but he did sign off with Takei out motherfucker!

MICHAEL OREN: OK, I didn't pay attention to him either. Guy, it was a long day!

JON/STEPHEN: Stephen finally mentions Papa Bear is coming to his show and he is filled with glee!!

THE COLBERT REPORT: 1-15-07

Before I begin this post, I want to tell you a little about The Colbert Report. Former Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert hosts this show as a parody of right-wing pundit shows such as The O'Reilly Factor(he's on Thursday!!) and Scarborough Country. Stephen Colbert plays "Stephen Colbert"-a right-wing blowhard. The more sincere he sounds, the more ridiculous it is. He is praising Republicans while in reality he is mocking them. He also has a great relationship with his fan-base: get a Hungarian bridge named after him, no problem. Vandalize Wikipedia, then start own website, piece of cake. Stephen's largest website is the Colbert Nation, where Colbert-Heads may talk all things truthy and how great Stephen is . His last show of 2007, he had a shred-off with the Decemberists who ripped off his "Green Screen Challenge." Stephen "cuts" his hand and who does he ask to step in, why Peter Frampton. Heck, Henry Kissinger was the deciding vote! Anyhoo, that is what the Colbert Report is all about. Now, on with the show!

Stephen is also propositioning Condi with his manliness.
THE WORD IS VICTORY!-December's recruitment rate is up 23% because the military lowered their monthly retention from 7000 to 700. If the goal stayed at 7000, they would be down 87%.

STEPHEN'S DOW ADVICE: Stephen takes on the stock market giving us advice on which stocks to buy. He had a red buzzer that sounded like a vocal Magic 8-Ball. From this segment, I found out that Cingular is changing its name back to AT&T! I HATE WHEN THEY DO THAT!!!

THE GUEST: Tonight's guest was a woman who had become addicted to plastic surgery then quit, now she wrote a book about other people who are still addicted to plastic surgery and messed their bodies up.

That's all for tonight folks!

THE DAILY SHOW:1-15-06

STRANGERS WITH CONDI(OR JON TAKES ONE FOR THE TEAM!): Apparently, Senator Barbara Boxer (D)-CA insinuated, okay flat out told Condi Rice that she would not understand about the people's plight in Iraq because she is not married nor has any children. Jon decides the only way to stop the war is to seduce Rice. Watching Jon try-horribly-to come onto Rice on Camera 3 was disturbing yet hilarious.

MLK DAY WITH LARRY WILMORE: African-American Correspondent Wilmore wants to change Martin Luther King Day to MLK Day, as he explains, "they did it to KFC." I didn't pay much attention to this segment. That's the trouble with ADD, you're mind goes in different directions.

SHALOM BABY!: Tonight's guest was the host of the History Channel's Digging for the Truth Josh Bernstein. After learning who Bernstein was, I immediately decided to watch his show religiously in the hopes of seeing him with his shirt off. He travels to Egypt, A LOT. I'll see those pecks in no time! The first thing Jon mentions when the screams and fainting of women have died down is "Are you a Jew?" Apparently, Jews have bad sinus infections.

JON/STEPHEN: Stephen is suing his pool man unless he puts in a hot tub for free.

NO WHITE CASTLE FOR YOU KUMAR!!

Note: Since 24 was a 2-night, 4-hour premiere, I decided to wait until tonight to recap. Kumar's got me pissed off!!!

On the season premiere of 24, Kumar was a teen terrorist who was taken by his friend's parents after his father was arrested for possibly being a terrorist. As it turns out, his dad had no idea what his son was up to. Anyway, our beloved badass Jack Bauer has spent the last 20 months being tortured in a Chinese prison daily. For the past 11 weeks, America has been plagued by suicide bombers in ten different citites. I bet this wouldn't have happened if Jack was around, but I digress. Anyway, a head terrorist has agreed to give up his boss in exchange for Jack. So he can kill him. Apparently some time ago Jack killed guy's bro during interrigation. The Feds and CTU boss Buchanan tell Jack that he has to die in order to save the country. Jack's okay with it, as long as he dies for something instead of nothing like said Chinese torture chamber.

Bad guys get Jack and begin to torture him when Bauer learns this trade was a set-up. The terrorist Fayed tells Jack he is behind the attacks and thought why not kill two birds with one stone. Back in sunny LA, Kumar has taken his buddy and parents hostage. Since Kumar cannot deliver a important package to destination, he gets his friend's dad to take it. Meanwhile in DC, David Palmer's kid brother Wayne is now Prez and no one lets poor Wayne forget how great big brother was. He winds up ordering suspected terrorists interned in prison camps. One who is imprisoned is his sister's boyfriend, a good friend of the ACLU. To wrap this up(this is just for night one), Jack eats through man's throat, saves the "good" terrorist who really wants to make peace, and informs CTU and the president of the double-cross. WHEW!!

Night two...Dad delivers package...Kumar gets taken down...Jack doesn't want to do this anymore...and oh yeah,...they F@%#*G nuked LA!!!!!!!!!!...AND THERE'S FOUR MORE(NUKES)!!!!

I know night two was a cop-out, but they NUKED LA!! Take a while and comprehend this! My mom watched this show for the first time tonight and she couldn't handle it!!!!