THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 9-11, 2007

Amazon said my copy of I Am America (And So Can You!) was shipped out on the ninth. WHERE IS IT?!!

• Stephen Colbert interviews....Stephen Colbert?!!
• Dennis "Leprechaun" Kucinich has accepted Colbert's challenge! Plus to give back the change he stole from Stephen!
• The Brown-Haired Guy who is not Steve Doocy hair is really black.

I hoped all the Heroes watched Colbert on Larry King Thursday. Good interview.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 9-11, 2007

• Oh, Jon, you are so adorable trying to suck up to Dick Cheney before Mrs. Cheney comes on for an interview.
• The future Pam Anderson-Rick Solomon sex tape will be the best ever!
• Hey only 25 nations are helping the US with the war in Iraq. Wait now 24, that lady from Iceland left.
• I knew the Lynne Cheney interview was going to be awkward.
• Who doesn't love those crazy teasers before a news report?!

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 8, 2007

ONE MORE DAY!!: Until I Am America (And So Can You!) hits bookstores. Like a Colbert groupie, I pre-ordered mine on Amazon. They said it should be here at the end of the week or the beginning of the next. I can't wait!!!!!

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY: Only "Stephen Colbert" could call Columbus a freeloader who took away jobs from American discoverers. Maybe he said that because he had to work that day.

THE BOOK!!: How adorable was Stephen's Italian accent and that puppy Riley?! It was so cute when the little guy helped Stephen write his book!

THE WORD IS...MEDIUM MATTERS: Mike Huckabee, you are disappointing me. How could you support Rush Limbaugh's awful statements and condemn Media Matters.org? (the org stands for orgy)-copyright Wikiality.com

STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALLZ...FOR KIDS!: Those poor kids won't get any free healthcare! President Bush is meanie!

GEORGE SAUNDERS: I gotta start paying attention to interviews! I'm just too excited about the book! Move your ass! U.S. Mail!!!

HAPPY I AM AMERICA DAY!: Who didn't love the countdown to the availability of Stephen's book I Am America (And So Can You!). Now go out and buy it!!!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 8, 2007

TORTURE? WHO US? NAH!: Bushie was denying (again) that we don't torture suspects. We know your full of it, sir.

LARRY CRAIG: A few weeks ago, not R. Kelly performed a hilarious song about Sen. Craig's possible homosexuality. Unfortunately, he was unavailable (Wahhhh!!). So now we have a Dreamgirls reference (And I'm telling you...).

VINCENTE FOX: I was surprised Fox didn't need an interpreter. If you squint he sort of looks like a Mexican Peter Jennings. Why was he talking trash about my Brazilian friend Evo?! For shame, Mr. Fox!

SOUTH PARK: CARTMAN GETS TOURETTE'S!

The season premiere of South Park featured Cartman faking Tourette's Syndrome. In this recap, I will write some of the things he uttered. Now onto the show.


While out shopping with his mom-MEXICAN SHITTY BALLS!-, Cartman met a kid with Tourette's syndrome-AW, SHIT!-. When Cartman realizes that he can say anything and not get in trouble-TITTY SPRINKLES!-(complete with him singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory), he jumps on it.

Kyle immediately figures out that Cartman is faking, but the Tourette's Society-PISS IN THE ASS!-comes to Cartman's defense. Chris Haannnseennn discovers Cartman-DONKEY BONER!-and invites him to come onto Dateline and tells his story. Naturally, Cartman sees this as a perfect opportunity, but he begins to slip out some real truths. Now Cartman doesn't want to go on, but Hannnseeenn tells him he doesn't have a choice!

Meanwhile, Kyle and the AW SHIT! kid team up to expose Cartman. They set up so that pedophiles can come to the Dateline stage. When the offenders enter, they immediately commit suicide when they see Chris Hannnseeennn. In the shocking moment of the night, CARTMAN THANKS KYLE FOR SAVING HIM! Altogether-AW SHIT!!

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: SEPTEMBER

The Unsuspected-a neat, less-known film. Claude Rains (Louie from Casablanca) is a radio host who commits murder. His naive (okay, dumb) niece doesn't believe he could do such a thing, but he does.

Tokyo Story-a couple go to visit their grown children. The ungrateful bastards move them from one place to the other. I wanted to give my mom a hug after watching this one.

The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!-a Russian submarine becomes stranded in Nantucket. Hilarity ensues. Johnathon Winters plays the deputy sheriff. You know it's a comedy.

The Happy Years-a cute turn-of-the century tale about a reckless boy. Activities include painting the neighbor's horse green.

Anna Karenina-Tolstoy's masterpiece starring Garbo.

The Pumpkin Eater-Anne Bancroft gets pregnant. A lot. Lady has some issues.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 4, 2007

THE WORD IS...CATASTROPHE: As in North Korea's talks.



THREATDOWN!: Science & Technology edition

5. Remote Control Toys!-Children should not land planes.

4. Hybrid Cars!-I want to see that graphic (watch the segment)

3. Sloppy Scientists!-Oh my heavens! MONKEYPOX ON THE LAM!

2. White Chocolate-Stephen's pimp name.

1. Robots!



JOHN KAO: Dude, lose the bow tie.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 4, 2007

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!: Bushie vetoed a bill which would provide health care to poor kids and they would tax cigarette to pay for this! Thank God for street urchin John Oliver to demonstrate how ridiculous this is.

RESIDENT EXPERT JOHN HODGMAN: He talked about the American dollar which is now worthless. Loved the sound effects (shut up!).

JACK GOLDSMITH: Nope, didn't pay attention to it.

30 ROCK: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-OCT 4, 2007

It's time for a new season of 30 Rock. Everyone has returned from the summer hiatus. Poor Liz broke up with Floyd, Jack is recovering from a heart attack, Tracy separated from his wife, Jenna has gained a ton of weight (due to starring in the musical Mystic Pizza), and Kennneth the page is still Kenneth the page.

The season premiere was hyped because it was Jerry Seinfeld's return to NBC. Jack has decided to take footage of Seinfeld insert him into all of NBC's current shows-it's SeinfeldVision! Jerry finds out and is not happy. After several arguments, Jack and Jerry come to a deal: SeinfedVision will air for one night as long as they promote Seinfeld's film Bee Movie and have Al Roker dressed as a bumble bee (PLEASE DO THIS TODAY SHOW!).

On the other side, Liz is not doing so well. She is in complete denial about her breakup and actually buys a wedding dress, you know, just in case. Finally, Liz breaks down in front of Seinfeld. Miss Lemon has a long way to go.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 3, 3007

GAY ROUNDUP: A new segment which features a infamous scene from the film Red River (watch this!). Since Stephen was not an expert on homosexuality, he called Dan Savage to fill him in. Mostly the interview was about Senator Larry Craig. Is he or isn't he?

MONKEY ON THE LAM!!!: Oh, thank you so much for this segment again!

JIM LOVELL: Two words: freaking awesome!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 3, 2007

DARK LIQUID: Rob Riggle's new screenplay sounds a lot like the private militant group Blackwater. The company's new motto (in my dreams)-We kill people...for money!

CONSERVATIVE KIDS BOOKS?!: There is actually a book out there called How the Liberals Stole Christmas. John Oliver really nailed the conservative author and the liberal author. Seriously, why would anyone write this?!

TED KOPPEL: Who knew this guy was so funny?

PUSHING DAISIES: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

Dear God, this show was so hyped that it almost made me not want to watch it. But I did and was pleasantly surprised. I might not catch it every week, but maybe from time to time.

The premise goes a little something like this: one day, young Ned discovers he can bring the dead back to life, but there are some repercussions-if the formerly dead stay alive for more than one minute, someone has to die in their place and if they touch Ned again, bye-bye. Sadly, it was time for Ned's mom to die. He brings her back, only to have his best friend Charlotte's-aka Chuck-dad to kick the bucket. Later that night, Ned's mom kisses him good night and promptly dies. Chuck goes to live with her eccentric aunts and Ned is sent to boarding school (?).

Twenty years later, Ned is a pie maker and is also quite stand-offish. Ned also helps the local P.I. solve cases by bringing the victims back to life for a minute. The duo then split the rewards. Still with me? Chuck is having a bad time, though. She has been murdered. At the funeral parlor, Ned impulsively brings Chuck back to life. The funeral director takes her place. Now Ned can never touch his love again. How will they survive? And who (tried) to kill Chuck? Find out on Pushing Daisies this fall on ABC.

THE COLBERT REPORT:OCTOBER 2, 2007

THE WORD IS...TROOPS OUT NOW: Only one thing to say-who are you and what have you done with Stephen?!!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 2, 2007

There 's only one thing I want to talk about on tonight's show: Guest Chris Matthews got NAILED.

CARPOOLERS: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

I did better on this one. Six full minutes! Then switched over to The Colbert Report.

CAVEMEN: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

I watched Cavemen for five minutes, then I flipped it to The Daily Show.

THE UPN COMEDY BLOCK-3 SEASON PREMIERES AND 1 SERIES PREMIERE

Everbody Hates Chris, Aliens in America, Girlfriends, and The Game. Missed all of them.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 1, 2007

DENNIS KUCINICH: This man keeps everything in his pockets (used tea bags! UGH!) including Bin Laden. Now Mr. Kucinich has been challenged by Stephen to come on TCR and empty his pockets. Until then, he is ON NOTICE! Complete with On Notice pocket sized edition.

THE WORD IS...EVITABLE: As war with Iran. Also, Stephen, it isn't war with Iran that is Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream, it's his fondest wet dream.

CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.: Those graphics are a riot!

CHARLIE SAVAGE: Sorry, didn't watch the interview.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 1, 2007

POOR JON: His beloved Mets lost. I missed the game but I heard it was a disaster.

JOHN AND LARRY: Thank you, Thank you this duo is back! There was a GOP debate and hardly anyone showed up! The scene where they were playing football in the empty media room was hilarious!

YOU DON'T KNOW DICK: Now, Cheney is a supposed member of the Council for National Policy. Jerry Falwell may also have been a member, but he was a blabbermouth. OH MY GOD!

JACK CAFFERTY: I love this guy. He and Jon just clicked with their banter. I still can't find any bio on him. He said that his dad was about to get married to wife number 5, 6, or 7 but his fiancee SHOT HIM!

BROTHERS & SISTERS: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-SEPT 30, 2007

It's Kitty Walker's birthday again and the first anniversary of William Walker's death. Please let this year go smoothly! Not so fast!



NORA: She hasn't heard from Justin in three weeks and obviously is frantic. I can't say this enough, Sally Field is awesome!

KITTY: The media keeps asking her about the upcoming wedding instead of the campaign. Kitty has had enough and begs a distracted Nora to help her find a wedding dress. At the bridal shop, they get into a huge argument which is caught on camera and posted onto You Tube!

SARAH: She and Joe have been separated for four months. They have a quickie on the washer and Sarah cannot stop talking about it.

KEVIN: His new boyfriend is going on a mission trip to Malaysia.

TOMMY/JULIA: Poor girl has some serious post partum depression. Poor Tommy doesn't know what to do.

Sadly at Kitty's birthday celebration news that Justin's unit has been hit by an IED. Geez, what will happen next year at her party?! Mom dies?! Oh, please not that!!!

DESPARATE HOUSEWIVES: SEASON PREMIERE-SEPT 30, 2007

I AM SO BEHIND. My computer had to be repaired! Anyway DH ended their season with the suicide of Edie. Did she make it? Find out in a minute. I decided to break down each storyline by housewife.

LYNETTE: Poor girl was diagnosed with cancer in the season finale. It's a few months later and Lynette has opted not to tell anyone about her illness. She wears a wig since her hair fell out. Lynette made some sense on why she didn't tell anybody. No one with cancer wants to get that look when a friend/loved one finds out about the disease. They immediately become sorry for you and tread fine lines. All Lynette wants is normalcy. She finally gives up and tells everyone especially after the sad scene where she can't pick her own daughter up for a hug.

SUSAN: Susan believed she was starting menopause. Very funny scene with her new hunky doctor (also a new neighbor) proving to Susan that she was old. Turns out, Susan was just pregnant.

GABY: After she discovered her new hubby married her for political purposes, Gaby jumped into the arms of ex-husband Carlos who just broke up with Edie. They try to run off together, but are hampered by their significant others.

BREE: Bree is this close to being discovered about her faux pregnancy. She did have one point though, daughter Danielle is way too shallow to raise her baby.

THE MAYFARIS: The awesomeness that is Dana Delany plays Katherine, a former resident of Wisteria Lane who has moved back with her daughter Dylan and younger husband Adam-hunky gyno. Dylan and Susan's daughter Julie were best friends, but poor Dylan doesn't seem to remember living here. I smell a secret. Yep, I was right. What happened to Dylan's dad?

CRAP, I MISSED IT

To the fans of...

Ghost Whisperer
Moonlight
Numbers
Las Vegas
American Dad

I'm sorry.