THE COLBERT REPORT: MARCH 29, 2007

Oh, wouldn't Stephen look great on a Harlequin Romance novel cover?! Those titillating thoughts made me forget everything else that happened in the episode.

THE DAILY SHOW: MARCH 29

Yo! Karl Rove Raps!: After less than five seconds of watching this footage of Rove rapping, I had to kill myself.

Don't Mess with the British: Jon warned Iran about taking the British soldiers hostage, but they didn't listen. As fellow Britian John Oliver said during tea, "Iran, we will fuck you up."

For the first time, a Disney animated film will have a black princess. Larry Wilmore explained after a Chinese princess and even a half-fish princess, African-Americans will finally have their turn.

I forgot to add that John McCain's MySpace page was hacked saying that he supported gay marriage, especially between two married passionate females. McCain did clear up the matter saying (and I am paraphrasing) that while he did not support gay marriage, he did however, back two women getting it on.

THE COLBERT REPORT: MARCH 27 and 28

What I learned in the past two episodes of The Colbert Report...

• Sean Penn needs to be nailed by Stephen
• To get Stephen re-rages, show a clip of last year's Emmy Awards
• Madeline Albright is a cool lady
• Stephen will drive Paulina Porzikova home tonight
• Rocker Todd Rundergen was responsible for getting PP voted off Dancing with the Stars
• Stephen cannot speak bad Italian without cracking up

THE DAILY SHOW: MARCH 27 and 28

What I learned in the past two episodes of The Daily Show ...

• Pork & Flag on a Stick does not look appetizing
• Cloning steaks sounds awesome!!!
• Dubya does not like deadlines
• Apparently black people have an easier time saying the "N" word than Caucasians
• John Oliver and Larry Whilmore make a great team
• I don't watch the interviews closely enough

THE COLBERT REPORT: MARCH 26, 2007

Stephen is riled because he didn't get the winning bid on a mummified hand which may be the first known "We're number 1!" sign. He could take the hand to other auctions and use it as his bidding paddle!

Dear Mr. Emanuel and other reps who regret being on Better Know a District, now you have a chance to edit Stephen's words like you claim he does to yours. You may take his love of cock...fighting and make it into something dirty.

It would have been a dream to go up to Oshawa and participate in Stephen Colbert Day! Just for the sake of watching that douche Toronto Raptor mascot take a spill after making fun of poor Steagle. Thank God for video.

Hey guest who's three-word name I can't remember, if you sue Viacom you'll be destroying Stephen!

THE DAILY SHOW: MARCH 26, 2007

I bet CNN's Rick Sanchez will one day demonstrate how to get your leg bit off by a shark or attacked by a grizzly bear. Just you wait and see.

Tehran Bureau Chief John Oliver was right about the British soldiers being continually polite to their captors. However, if they get a few shots of scotch in them...

I did a bad thing last night. I was on the Internet and didn't pay attention to Lewis Black and John Kerry. Please forgive me!

About call Tony Snow a "prick" the other day, I feel a little bad saying that because the man's cancer has returned and I didn't even know he had cancer to begin with!

THE COLBERT REPORT: WEEK OF MARCH 19

What a great week on The Colbert Report!! Tuesday's showdown with Willie Nelson was classic!!

• The WORD is...Pound of Flesh: Maybe convicts should give their organs to those in need, that way the people who need some type of transplant won't have to wait as long.
• Democratic Chair Rahm Emanuel is trying to dissuade fellow Democrats from appearing on TCR. Stephen decided to give Emanuel a present, a finger because RE lost one in a slicing accident.
• Willie Nelson's ice cream has been recalled because it contained wheat!
• HAPPY STEPHEN COLBERT DAY!!!
• Stephen went off on Willie Nelson and had to have Ambassador Richard Ashbrook moderate the rest of the interview.
• Even Stephen is helpless against the baby polar bear at a German zoo!
• Two BKAD's in one week! Awesome!
• I think Stephen is goading Congress to impeach Bush.
• DC Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton is a great sport and she's got "High Hopes"!

THE DAILY SHOW: WEEK OF MARCH 19

After 2 weeks of nada, I finally decided to get off my ass and do something. Namely, write for this blog!
Now on to the highlights of The Daily Show...

• Happy birthday Bruce Willis, Glenn Close, and Iraq War!!!!
• Jason Jones is the host of the newest segment, Diagnosis Mystery. Today's mystery is: can you un-gay a person? If you want to find out if this actually worked go onto Comedy Central website and look for the Daily Show's video. Specifically, watch part 2.
• Ladies and Gentleman, John McCain is back!!!
• Guest John Bolton is a dumbass and he talked bad about Lincoln! Shame on you, Colonel Sanders!
• The next night, after the Colonel try to disprove facts about Honest Abe, Jon called Lincoln expert Doris Kearns Goodwin on a old-time telephone to give her hell about giving him false info.
• Jon made a good point to guest Chris Hansen, why hasn't he been attacked by one of the predators yet?
• Graphics of "flaming babies" are HILARIOUS!
• Tony Snow is a prick.
• Demetri Martin explained the Viacom/Google suit with stick figures and buffering. Jon's user name is lonelyjew14.

THE COLBERT REPORT 3-6-07

STEPHEN WON!! MAYBE: Last night, Mega Millions sold two winning lottery tickets worth $370 million dollars. Stephen was convinced he won because he bought ten tickets and the probability of winning is higher. Now he can do anything he wants. Buy Duke Cunningham's boat or Cunningham. Then he decides to stick it to Sumner Redstone. One of the tickets was sold in New Jersey, so maybe he did win, probably not and he will have to apologize to Redstone.

NOT GUILTY!: Scooter Libby was found not guilty on one of the five charges against him. His appeals start next week mainly because the jury was confused, but not apparently when they wore t-shirts with hearts on them for the judge.

THE WORD IS WWJD: What Would Jesus Dispense? A Bakersfield, California doctor does not allow people with tatoos and body piercings in his office. The complaint was made by a woman who brought her little girl with an ear infection and was turned away because of the mother's tatoos. Plus he doesn't allow gum because God hates gum and that is why He destroyed Sodom and Gumorrah. Doctors and pharmacists are letting their moral beliefs come into contact with their Hippocratic Oath. It started with the morning-after pill and now has come to this.

THREATDOWN!: 5. Warner Bros.-the studio already has the rights to the Valerie Plame story. Stephen did offer some suggestions on who should play the main characters. Valerie Plame-Julia Roberts, Plame's husband-George Clooney, Scooter Libby-Nick Nolte, last guy-Doc Ock.
4. Blood Clots-namely Dick Cheney's. Stephen said Bush should send a troop surge into Cheney ala Fantastic Voyage. 3. Daylight Savings Time-DST will start three weeks earlier than in previous years, but some say our computers are set to the old DST and we might have a mini-Y2K. Get into your shelter's folks! 2. Robots-Japan invented a robot with cameras for eyes. Stephen doesn't trust robots because they will take over the world. 1. Gravity-I can't remember what Stephen said about that.

The guest was Mark Fravenhandler, the founder of Make magazine where anyone can take a household object and create it into something else. Example, your computer mouse becomes a robotic mouse which Stephen will accidentally destroy.

THE DAILY SHOW 3-6-07

CORRECTION: The Army Surgeon general's name was Kiley, not Reilly. He still was fired though and actually was the previous head of Walter Reed who made the hospital what it is today. The first segment continued on the Reed scandal. All anyone hears from Bush and the Bushees is "Support our Troops." Military Analyst (not really) and Reservist (true) Rob Riggle agreed with the administration and showed off his magnet-filled (Support our Troops) truck. Apparently, Riggle cannot say anything bad about the military, publicly or he will probably be court-martialed. Really, it is in the US Military of Codes!

SAM ON YOUR SIDE: Samantha Bee interviewed Bill Russell (not the NBA legend, as she found out) an atheist who wants to cease the religious bells in a quaint New England town. One drawback for Russell is that he doesn't even live there. As the interview progress, we learned that getting rid of the bells were the least of his problems.

The guest was Richard Jadick, the world's toughest urologist. Jadick quit his practice to treat soldiers in Iraq on the front lines. You can read part of his story in the current issue of Newsweek.

THE COLBERT REPORT 3-5-07

EAT IT BONO AND WATCH OUT NEWMAN!: The creators of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream were on the show to celebrate the release of the Stephen's new flavor The Americone Dream. Poor Stephen couldn't taste it because he gave up sweets for Lent. I looked for the Dream all over town and it was not in stock. One stocker said their next shipment of B&J's wouldn't arrive until the 23rd!!! Damn you, Owensboro for not being one of the first to have Stephen in your freezers!! The B&J guys were really nice and created an ice cream for Stephen Jr. complete with tiny pieces of fish.

INVEST IN BEES!: Next was the second segment of Bears & Balls, stock tips from Stephen Colbert. With his trusty shiny big red button to help us Heroes in our investments. Tonight's tips were to sell all things Chinese (read: everything) and invest in bees because honeybees are mysteriously disappearing and the leftovers are becoming more valuable. To attract them, put frosting all over your face and let the bees come to you.

The guest was Mara Vanderslice, a political consultant who helps the Democrats express their faith to voters. I bet the public still won't buy it.

EVERYBODY GETS A PINT!: All audience members received a pint of Stephen's new ice cream while I sit here and cry.

THE DAILY SHOW 3-5-07

SHAME ON YOU: Jon was pissed last night and rightfully so. The Walter Reed Military Hospital is in deplorable conditions, especially section 18. So the Bushees (what I will call Bush administration from now on) fired the Army Surgeon General and hired a new one named Reilly, I think. Then the Bushees fired him for being a douchebag. In the Moment of Zen clip, Reilly tells the news crew that the place is not so bad, even though viewers can see a hole in the ceiling!! Our troops who bravely went into a war becoming more like Vietnam each passing minute. No we went waaayy past the 'Nam mark a long time ago. Then the wounded come home to America for treatment and this is what they get! Our boys should be living in five-star hotel quality, complete with massages and Mai-tais.

The guest was Bob Woodruff, the ABC News anchor who was nearly killed in Iraq. He has made a remarkable recovery and has somehow become even better-looking than he was before the accident.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MISS ONE EPISODE OF 24...

If you miss just one episode of 24, this is what will happen...

JACK HAS A BROTHER!!!!!!!!
JACK'S BROTHER ORCHESTRATED THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT PALMER!!!!!!!
JACK'S BROTHER IS DR. ROMANO FROM ER!!!!!!!!!
JACK'S DADDY IS THE REAL MASTERMIND!!!!!!!
JACK'S DADDY KILLED DR. ROMANO!!!!!!!!!
JACK'S NEPHEW MAY BE HIS SON!!!!!!!!!!! NOTE: AUDIENCE SPECULATION ONLY
CHAD LOWE (AKA HILARY SWANK'S EX OR ROB'S LITTLE BRO) LOST HIS FREAKING MIND AND IS GOING TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!!!!!!
PRESIDENT PALMER PART DEUX HAS BEEN ASSASSINATED!!!!!!!!!!!
NEVERMIND, FALSE ALARM!!!!

You must not ever miss one episode or really bad shit will happen.