MARIAH'S PLAY-BY-PLAY ON ELECTION NIGHT...EIGHT DAYS LATER

I know it's been eight days since the election. Yes, it would have been easier to blog if I had a laptop, but I don't have one. If anyone knows where I can get a laptop cheap, please reply in the comments. NO SPAM OR SCAM REPLIES!!!





Now, let's reminisce....





7:00-I WANT CNN'S MAGIC BOARD! Gonna stick to one station (CNN and its board) Did I mention I love CNN's board!





8:15-In my home state: Hey, Mitch McConnell pulled it off!





8:22-Dear news, why are you projecting that Obama will be the winner in Michigan if he is behind in the returns right now?! Remember 2000?





8:34-CNN projects Ohio goes to...Obama!





8:35-Look at all those people in Grant Park





8:45-According to CNN, youth voters and the economy helped Obama win Ohio. Turing over to Fox News-they're depressed





8:50-OK, why is CNN have Obama at 199-78 electoral votes, but Fox News and MSNBC have Obama 200-90?





9:00-Now to the best mother$#%#%@&^% news team on the planet-THE DAILY SHOW and THE COLBERT REPORT!!!!!! TOGETHER AT LAST!!!!!



9:01-Stephen brings the juice!!-The Final Endgame Go Time Alpha Action Lift-Off Decide-Icidal Hungry Man's Extreme Raw Power Ultimate Voteslam Smackdown '08 No Mercy: Judgment Day '08 ...'08!



9:02-Jon strikes back!! A dude is on fire but he doesn't forget to vote!! OMG, it was Dick Gephardt!!



9:03-Awwww!!! Stephen has red cards while Jon has blue!



9:05-Stephen is about to cry and he believe Ohio may have conspired with Cuba! Look at their respective flags.



9:06-Roscoe the cockatoo is sad Obama's winning too.



9:07-South Carolina is the bonus state: electoral votes tripled!!!



9:08-(CNN) Republican strategist admits the party failed



9:10-Comedy Central called my home state to...McCain. Bit of trivia: McCain called Louisville Slugger-he's made of 10% cork!



9:12-Correspondent Jason Jones is at Obama headquarters-Bambi Town



9:14-Rob Riggle reports on unprecedented voter turnout-he does his patriotic duty by tackling people so they cannot vote. Sounds like a McCain supporter.



9:16-The Daily Show is unbleeped when John Oliver says the next president will inherit a "giant shitburger."



9:17-Dear Santa: Please give me a CNN magic board for Christmas



9:22-Who is this guy on Jon and Stephen are interviewing?



9:23-Oh, it's Steve Forbes! I remember him losing the nomination in '96. He ran in 2000, too?



9:25-I like the idea of a Bull Moose party.



9:28-(MSNBC) Bishop T.D. Jakes can't believe this is happening in his lifetime



9:30-Stephen's live blogging!!!!!! Yes, I will read you!!! I'm off to Twitter!!! Stephen is in the second stage-anger.



9:32-Louisiana goes to McCain and Obama show us his boobs! The TDS team went out to the polls to if the "Bradley effect" is in swing. It's not.



9:33-There needs to be another Oliver-Wilmore segment.



9:36-Fox News is REALLY sad right now



9:37-MY BRAIN IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE!!! TOO MANY CHANNELS!!!



9:39-Samantha Bee is at McCain headquarters-fifth circle of hell



9:41-Aasif Mandvi is at Al-Queda headquarters. They're not too happy with Obama.



9:43-Fox News projects Obama will win Virginia.

9:46-Will racism be over if (who am I kidding?) when Obama wins? Whoa! The Obama's former law professor Charles Ogletree thought they were conservatives!!! Funny that Ogletree thought that Michelle would go into higher office and Barack would make a great mayor!

9:49-Larry Wilmore is taking over The Daily Show?!!! Tyler Perry's House of Daily Show with Larry Wilmore?! Wyatt Cenac taking over The Colbert Report?!! Cenac Attack!!!

9:53-Comedy Central says Obama has won Virginia! Stephen's anger continues

9:57-The Republicans need someone to blame-Hockey Dads!

9:58-Stephen's denial has returned

10:00-We finally have a... Hawaiian president.
Jon Stewart has the pleasure of announcing our newest president....BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:03-The news team is suffering from campaign withdrawal! Stephen has blocked himself off from the rest of the world!

10:05-They're off to freedom!! It's so beautiful...and Bush is still president for two more months

10:19-Back to CNN where McCain concedes

11:00-Obama makes powerful speech, his kids get a puppy, and I'm off to bed!

THE END

A LONG YEAR...

Well, I guess you all want to know why I haven't posted in a while, so here it goes. One day, I watched The Hills and A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila back to back. Not only did I lose faith in television, I also lost faith in humanity. Now, I am back after having successfully wiped those awful images from my brain.

Stay tuned!!!

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 9-11, 2007

Amazon said my copy of I Am America (And So Can You!) was shipped out on the ninth. WHERE IS IT?!!

• Stephen Colbert interviews....Stephen Colbert?!!
• Dennis "Leprechaun" Kucinich has accepted Colbert's challenge! Plus to give back the change he stole from Stephen!
• The Brown-Haired Guy who is not Steve Doocy hair is really black.

I hoped all the Heroes watched Colbert on Larry King Thursday. Good interview.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 9-11, 2007

• Oh, Jon, you are so adorable trying to suck up to Dick Cheney before Mrs. Cheney comes on for an interview.
• The future Pam Anderson-Rick Solomon sex tape will be the best ever!
• Hey only 25 nations are helping the US with the war in Iraq. Wait now 24, that lady from Iceland left.
• I knew the Lynne Cheney interview was going to be awkward.
• Who doesn't love those crazy teasers before a news report?!

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 8, 2007

ONE MORE DAY!!: Until I Am America (And So Can You!) hits bookstores. Like a Colbert groupie, I pre-ordered mine on Amazon. They said it should be here at the end of the week or the beginning of the next. I can't wait!!!!!

HAPPY COLUMBUS DAY: Only "Stephen Colbert" could call Columbus a freeloader who took away jobs from American discoverers. Maybe he said that because he had to work that day.

THE BOOK!!: How adorable was Stephen's Italian accent and that puppy Riley?! It was so cute when the little guy helped Stephen write his book!

THE WORD IS...MEDIUM MATTERS: Mike Huckabee, you are disappointing me. How could you support Rush Limbaugh's awful statements and condemn Media Matters.org? (the org stands for orgy)-copyright Wikiality.com

STEPHEN COLBERT'S BALLZ...FOR KIDS!: Those poor kids won't get any free healthcare! President Bush is meanie!

GEORGE SAUNDERS: I gotta start paying attention to interviews! I'm just too excited about the book! Move your ass! U.S. Mail!!!

HAPPY I AM AMERICA DAY!: Who didn't love the countdown to the availability of Stephen's book I Am America (And So Can You!). Now go out and buy it!!!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 8, 2007

TORTURE? WHO US? NAH!: Bushie was denying (again) that we don't torture suspects. We know your full of it, sir.

LARRY CRAIG: A few weeks ago, not R. Kelly performed a hilarious song about Sen. Craig's possible homosexuality. Unfortunately, he was unavailable (Wahhhh!!). So now we have a Dreamgirls reference (And I'm telling you...).

VINCENTE FOX: I was surprised Fox didn't need an interpreter. If you squint he sort of looks like a Mexican Peter Jennings. Why was he talking trash about my Brazilian friend Evo?! For shame, Mr. Fox!

SOUTH PARK: CARTMAN GETS TOURETTE'S!

The season premiere of South Park featured Cartman faking Tourette's Syndrome. In this recap, I will write some of the things he uttered. Now onto the show.


While out shopping with his mom-MEXICAN SHITTY BALLS!-, Cartman met a kid with Tourette's syndrome-AW, SHIT!-. When Cartman realizes that he can say anything and not get in trouble-TITTY SPRINKLES!-(complete with him singing "I've Got a Golden Ticket" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory), he jumps on it.

Kyle immediately figures out that Cartman is faking, but the Tourette's Society-PISS IN THE ASS!-comes to Cartman's defense. Chris Haannnseennn discovers Cartman-DONKEY BONER!-and invites him to come onto Dateline and tells his story. Naturally, Cartman sees this as a perfect opportunity, but he begins to slip out some real truths. Now Cartman doesn't want to go on, but Hannnseeenn tells him he doesn't have a choice!

Meanwhile, Kyle and the AW SHIT! kid team up to expose Cartman. They set up so that pedophiles can come to the Dateline stage. When the offenders enter, they immediately commit suicide when they see Chris Hannnseeennn. In the shocking moment of the night, CARTMAN THANKS KYLE FOR SAVING HIM! Altogether-AW SHIT!!

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: SEPTEMBER

The Unsuspected-a neat, less-known film. Claude Rains (Louie from Casablanca) is a radio host who commits murder. His naive (okay, dumb) niece doesn't believe he could do such a thing, but he does.

Tokyo Story-a couple go to visit their grown children. The ungrateful bastards move them from one place to the other. I wanted to give my mom a hug after watching this one.

The Russians are Coming! The Russians are Coming!-a Russian submarine becomes stranded in Nantucket. Hilarity ensues. Johnathon Winters plays the deputy sheriff. You know it's a comedy.

The Happy Years-a cute turn-of-the century tale about a reckless boy. Activities include painting the neighbor's horse green.

Anna Karenina-Tolstoy's masterpiece starring Garbo.

The Pumpkin Eater-Anne Bancroft gets pregnant. A lot. Lady has some issues.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 4, 2007

THE WORD IS...CATASTROPHE: As in North Korea's talks.



THREATDOWN!: Science & Technology edition

5. Remote Control Toys!-Children should not land planes.

4. Hybrid Cars!-I want to see that graphic (watch the segment)

3. Sloppy Scientists!-Oh my heavens! MONKEYPOX ON THE LAM!

2. White Chocolate-Stephen's pimp name.

1. Robots!



JOHN KAO: Dude, lose the bow tie.

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 4, 2007

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!: Bushie vetoed a bill which would provide health care to poor kids and they would tax cigarette to pay for this! Thank God for street urchin John Oliver to demonstrate how ridiculous this is.

RESIDENT EXPERT JOHN HODGMAN: He talked about the American dollar which is now worthless. Loved the sound effects (shut up!).

JACK GOLDSMITH: Nope, didn't pay attention to it.

30 ROCK: SEASON 2 PREMIERE-OCT 4, 2007

It's time for a new season of 30 Rock. Everyone has returned from the summer hiatus. Poor Liz broke up with Floyd, Jack is recovering from a heart attack, Tracy separated from his wife, Jenna has gained a ton of weight (due to starring in the musical Mystic Pizza), and Kennneth the page is still Kenneth the page.

The season premiere was hyped because it was Jerry Seinfeld's return to NBC. Jack has decided to take footage of Seinfeld insert him into all of NBC's current shows-it's SeinfeldVision! Jerry finds out and is not happy. After several arguments, Jack and Jerry come to a deal: SeinfedVision will air for one night as long as they promote Seinfeld's film Bee Movie and have Al Roker dressed as a bumble bee (PLEASE DO THIS TODAY SHOW!).

On the other side, Liz is not doing so well. She is in complete denial about her breakup and actually buys a wedding dress, you know, just in case. Finally, Liz breaks down in front of Seinfeld. Miss Lemon has a long way to go.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 3, 3007

GAY ROUNDUP: A new segment which features a infamous scene from the film Red River (watch this!). Since Stephen was not an expert on homosexuality, he called Dan Savage to fill him in. Mostly the interview was about Senator Larry Craig. Is he or isn't he?

MONKEY ON THE LAM!!!: Oh, thank you so much for this segment again!

JIM LOVELL: Two words: freaking awesome!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 3, 2007

DARK LIQUID: Rob Riggle's new screenplay sounds a lot like the private militant group Blackwater. The company's new motto (in my dreams)-We kill people...for money!

CONSERVATIVE KIDS BOOKS?!: There is actually a book out there called How the Liberals Stole Christmas. John Oliver really nailed the conservative author and the liberal author. Seriously, why would anyone write this?!

TED KOPPEL: Who knew this guy was so funny?

PUSHING DAISIES: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

Dear God, this show was so hyped that it almost made me not want to watch it. But I did and was pleasantly surprised. I might not catch it every week, but maybe from time to time.

The premise goes a little something like this: one day, young Ned discovers he can bring the dead back to life, but there are some repercussions-if the formerly dead stay alive for more than one minute, someone has to die in their place and if they touch Ned again, bye-bye. Sadly, it was time for Ned's mom to die. He brings her back, only to have his best friend Charlotte's-aka Chuck-dad to kick the bucket. Later that night, Ned's mom kisses him good night and promptly dies. Chuck goes to live with her eccentric aunts and Ned is sent to boarding school (?).

Twenty years later, Ned is a pie maker and is also quite stand-offish. Ned also helps the local P.I. solve cases by bringing the victims back to life for a minute. The duo then split the rewards. Still with me? Chuck is having a bad time, though. She has been murdered. At the funeral parlor, Ned impulsively brings Chuck back to life. The funeral director takes her place. Now Ned can never touch his love again. How will they survive? And who (tried) to kill Chuck? Find out on Pushing Daisies this fall on ABC.

THE COLBERT REPORT:OCTOBER 2, 2007

THE WORD IS...TROOPS OUT NOW: Only one thing to say-who are you and what have you done with Stephen?!!

THE DAILY SHOW: OCTOBER 2, 2007

There 's only one thing I want to talk about on tonight's show: Guest Chris Matthews got NAILED.

CARPOOLERS: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

I did better on this one. Six full minutes! Then switched over to The Colbert Report.

CAVEMEN: SERIES PREMIERE-OCT 2, 2007

I watched Cavemen for five minutes, then I flipped it to The Daily Show.

THE UPN COMEDY BLOCK-3 SEASON PREMIERES AND 1 SERIES PREMIERE

Everbody Hates Chris, Aliens in America, Girlfriends, and The Game. Missed all of them.

THE COLBERT REPORT: OCTOBER 1, 2007

DENNIS KUCINICH: This man keeps everything in his pockets (used tea bags! UGH!) including Bin Laden. Now Mr. Kucinich has been challenged by Stephen to come on TCR and empty his pockets. Until then, he is ON NOTICE! Complete with On Notice pocket sized edition.

THE WORD IS...EVITABLE: As war with Iran. Also, Stephen, it isn't war with Iran that is Dick Cheney's fondest pipe dream, it's his fondest wet dream.

CHEATING DEATH WITH DR. STEPHEN T. COLBERT, D.F.A.: Those graphics are a riot!

CHARLIE SAVAGE: Sorry, didn't watch the interview.