THE COLBERT REPORT 3-6-07

STEPHEN WON!! MAYBE: Last night, Mega Millions sold two winning lottery tickets worth $370 million dollars. Stephen was convinced he won because he bought ten tickets and the probability of winning is higher. Now he can do anything he wants. Buy Duke Cunningham's boat or Cunningham. Then he decides to stick it to Sumner Redstone. One of the tickets was sold in New Jersey, so maybe he did win, probably not and he will have to apologize to Redstone.

NOT GUILTY!: Scooter Libby was found not guilty on one of the five charges against him. His appeals start next week mainly because the jury was confused, but not apparently when they wore t-shirts with hearts on them for the judge.

THE WORD IS WWJD: What Would Jesus Dispense? A Bakersfield, California doctor does not allow people with tatoos and body piercings in his office. The complaint was made by a woman who brought her little girl with an ear infection and was turned away because of the mother's tatoos. Plus he doesn't allow gum because God hates gum and that is why He destroyed Sodom and Gumorrah. Doctors and pharmacists are letting their moral beliefs come into contact with their Hippocratic Oath. It started with the morning-after pill and now has come to this.

THREATDOWN!: 5. Warner Bros.-the studio already has the rights to the Valerie Plame story. Stephen did offer some suggestions on who should play the main characters. Valerie Plame-Julia Roberts, Plame's husband-George Clooney, Scooter Libby-Nick Nolte, last guy-Doc Ock.
4. Blood Clots-namely Dick Cheney's. Stephen said Bush should send a troop surge into Cheney ala Fantastic Voyage. 3. Daylight Savings Time-DST will start three weeks earlier than in previous years, but some say our computers are set to the old DST and we might have a mini-Y2K. Get into your shelter's folks! 2. Robots-Japan invented a robot with cameras for eyes. Stephen doesn't trust robots because they will take over the world. 1. Gravity-I can't remember what Stephen said about that.

The guest was Mark Fravenhandler, the founder of Make magazine where anyone can take a household object and create it into something else. Example, your computer mouse becomes a robotic mouse which Stephen will accidentally destroy.